Posts Tagged ‘swine flu’

Farmer Hoggett Plans to Put Down Pig
By Cynthia Stallion
Staff Writer
NEW SOUTH WALES, AUSTRALIA - Babe, the beloved pig, has contracted swine flu.
Farmer Arthur Hoggett said he has quarantined the animal, fearing the virus might spread to his sheep dogs and other animals.
“We all love Babe, of course, but I’m not sure many people have seen him since [...]

Critic Says Swine Flu Killed Simon
By Cynthia Stallion
Staff Writer
NEW YORK CITY - Historians and literary experts are scrambling to discredit a new theory claiming swine flu played a role in a 1954 island incident described in the classic “Lord of the Flies.”
Robert Upton of New York City recently published an article suggesting the H1N1 strain existed when the [...]

Old Fogies Applaud Vaccination Strategy
By Tina Roundhouse
Staff Writer
WASHINGTON DC - Health officials have announced how they plan to fight the H1N1 virus, commonly known as the swine flu, this fall. They are distributing flu shots to clinics and hospitals throughout the nation.
“We’ve been spending a lot of time looking at this problem, and we eventually [...]

WASHINGTON DC - The H1N1 flu virus could cause up to 90,000 U.S. deaths if it resurges this fall as expected, according to a presidential advisory panel report.

Other things that could kill 90,000 people, the reports says, include earthquakes, badgers, bears, spiders, avalanches, water, carbon dioxide, fire, people and sharks. If the right conditions exist, these things could kill 90,000.

Sickness Forces Purina to Reveal Bacon Addiction
By Donald McFarland
Staff Writer
ST. LOUIS, MO - The Purina Beggin’ Strips mascot has contracted swine flu, presumably from eating bacon.
Hamlet the Beggin’ Dog first showed symptoms last week and is “progressively getting worse,” said Dr. Melanie Stafford.
“We do think he’ll eventually get better,” she said. “But he’s gotta lay [...]

Advice Columnist
By Diggleby Bupp
Dear Diggleby,
Like many mothers, I like to play the “piggy game” with my children. I thought I could turn it into an educational tool. One night, I was playing with my son and said, “This little piggy went to the market. This little piggy went home. This little piggy had a peanut [...]

Napoleon Blames Snowball for Outbreak
By Cynthia Stallion
Staff Writer
MANOR FARM - The communist pig leaders of Manor Farm, once dubbed “Animal Farm,” have begun releasing statements regarding the swine flu.
“Obviously, we are worried humans would blame us pigs,” said Napoleon, general secretary of the Communist Party at the farm, in one release. “My comrades, however, include [...]

Muppets Believe Virus Came from Miss Piggy
By Tina Roundhouse
Staff Writer
HOLLYWOOD, CA - Beloved Muppet Kermit D. Frog has contracted swine flu, Disney Corporation officials have announced.
“He’s handling it well,” said Stacy Cantlin, a Disney spokesperson. “He’s sure to make a full recovery.”
As the Cannon Newsletter reported last week, movie star Christina Ricci has the disease. [...]

First High Profile Case Reported
By Tina Roundhouse
Staff Writer
LOS ANGELES, CA - Christina Ricci, star of such films as The Adams Family, Monster and Sleepy Hollow, has contracted swine flu.
Ricci is the first celebrity affected by the virus.
Recent photos confirm she has grown a pig nose.
“We expect Ms. Ricci to make a full recovery,” a [...]

Neville Hopes Combined Vocals Will Match New Strain
By Donald McFarland
Staff Writer
BATON ROUGE, LA - Singer Aaron Neville is hoping his brothers can help him fight the swine flu.
As the Cannon Newsletter reported earlier this month, researchers at Louisiana State University had discovered Aaron Neville’s falsetto cures the common flu. Neville then planned a worldwide tour [...]