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Posts Tagged ‘obama’

We Conclude Our Top 25!

By Charles Parachute
Sports Editor
We finally conclude our first ever Top 25 rankings, starting with a president and ending with the nation’s best team!
#5) Barrack Obama & Joe Biden
The Hope is back! After an upset victory in 2008, O is looking to repeat in 2012. Biden – the “new Chain-y” – is a little older and [...]

Obama Hasn’t Fixed Economy Yet

Critics Ask for a Little Less Hope and A Lot More Action
By Penny Moolah
Business Editor
WASHINGTON DC - As the Obama Administration approaches three months in power, some are asking why the economy still “blows.”
“When Obama won in November, the economy stayed pretty bad,” said Brian Patterson, who has been jobless for seven months. “I thought [...]

Treasury Secretary Becoming Bat

Geithner Also Unveils Bank Rescue Plan
By Cynthia Stallion
Staff Writer
WASHINGTON DC - The Treasury Department today unveiled a plan to remove troubled assets from bank books, but Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner is attracting attention for another reason.
“I think he’s becoming a bat,” said one source in the Treasury Department who declined to be identified.
Pictures taken today [...]

Black and White Cookie Moving Toward D.C.

From Staff Reports
CHARLESTON, WV - Following up on an earlier report from the Cannon Blog about the black and white cookie’s inevitable introduction to Washington D.C., mini black and white cookies were spotted at the Charleston Town Center Starbucks.
According to Rosa Clondowski’s November article, bakers in New York City predicted the pastries would be popular [...]

Hate Group Embraces Equality

HUG Wants Threats Directed Toward President Bush, Too
By Rosa Clondowski
Contributing Writer
Threats against a new president typically spike immediately after an election, widespread reports of an unusually high number against president-elect Barack Obama have surfaced.
In Maine, for example, a convenience store advertised an Obama-assanation pool. A sign on a tree in Vay, Idaho, offered a “free [...]

Joe the Plumber Plans 2012 Presidential Run

Ohio Celebrity Unveils Tax Plan
By Donald McFarland
Staff Writer
COLUMBUS, OH - Joe the Plumber wants to be Joe the President.
The oft-discussed figure during the 2008 presidential election said today he is planning his own run in 2012.
“People seem to put a lot of weight on my opinions,” said Joe the Plumber, whose real name is Samuel [...]

Wall Street Braces for ‘Badger’ Status

Ironically, Stock Market Doesn’t React to Change
By Penny Moolah
Financial Writer
NEW YORK CITY - Traders on Wall Street were stunned Wednesday when the market continued is disturbing transformation into a creature worse than a bear. Analystics are calling this new animal “devil-badger.”
“We used to just have the bull and the bear, the bear being bad,” said [...]

Ku Klux Klan to Host Mass Suicide

KKK Members Finally Admit Defeat
By Cynthia Stallion
Staff Writer
HARRISON, AR - After nearly 150 years of up-and-down hatred, the Ku Klux Klan is calling it quits.
“But we’re going out in style,” said Dave Bingle, co-captain of the group’s special events committee.
The organization is hosting a mass suicide this Friday at “Bill’s house.” The event kicks off [...]

Country Suddenly Better

By Bartholomew Watson
Political Analyst
At 11 p.m. on Nov. 4, 2008, the U.S. suddenly began improving. After an eight-year, downward spiral of war, economic downturns, international upheaval, political inaction and societal polarization, the dank smell of burning rubber and urine was replaced by the sweet aroma of pumpkin spice and apple pie.
Barack Obama was elected president.
Woodland [...]