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Posts Tagged ‘cannon blog’

NBA Looks to Market ‘Roe vs. Wade’

By Charles Parachute
Sports Editor
NEW YORK CITY - The NBA has confirmed it hopes one of its teams will draft or sign a player named Roe within the next few years.

“We’re looking at guys named Roe, and we hope at some point his team would play against Dwyane Wade and the Miami Heat,” said [...]

Clint Eastwood Speaks with Manti Te’o’s Girlfriend

By Donald MacFarland
Staff Writer
LOS ANGELES - Film icon Clint Eastwood today told reporters he has spoken to Notre Dame football player Manti Te’o’s girlfriend following this week’s revelation she does not exist.
“I contacted her, and we met in person,” Eastwood said. “Then I sat her down in a chair, and we had a long conversation.” [...]

God Votes to Suspend Campaigns

By Tina Roundhouse
Staff Writer
WASHINGTON D.C. – God has reportedly voted early, sending hurricanes and blizzards to stop political campaigns until further notice.

The severe weather forced President Obama to return to Washington, D.C., and challenger Mitt Romney to stop talking.
Power outages, meanwhile, silenced the ceaseless political commercial rotation. Mail delivery delays could mean many [...]

Hurricane Blizzard Hell Storm Leaves Some Unconvinced

By Donald McFarland
Staff Writer
As Hurricane Sandy barrels toward the East Coast, bringing strong winds, the threat of major flooding and, somehow, October blizzards, some are questioning the existence of global warming.
“Blizzards are cold,” said Congressman John Shimkus of Illinois. “How can this be about global warming if it’s cold.”
Warm air holds more water vapor than [...]

Political Efforts, Football Join Forces

By Charles Parachute
Sports Editor
The Friends of Coal Bowl, which for seven years now has featured West Virginia University and Marshall University meeting on the gridiron, comes to an end Saturday as the schools have not agreed on continuing the series.
Other schools across the country, though, are embracing the idea of having political – or, [...]

Republicans Fight ‘Dark Voting’

By Donald McFarland
Staff Writer
HARRISBURG, PA. – As the November election approaches, some states are taking tougher stances against voter fraud.
Pennsylvania recently joined several states with strict voter ID laws requiring citizens to show identification before voting. Often, states require photo IDs, such as driver’s licenses, passports and IDs created specifically for elections.
Critics [...]

Romney Perfects Stand-up Routine

By Chance Breckenridge
Political Reporter
TAMPA, Fla. – Mitt Romney, the presumptive Republican presidential nominee, said today he was “only joking” when he said the U.S. would achieve energy independence by 2020.
“I mean, come on, that’s ridiculous,” he said.
Romney last week released his energy plan, which said the country could be producing 28 billion barrels [...]

We Conclude Our Top 25!

By Charles Parachute
Sports Editor
We finally conclude our first ever Top 25 rankings, starting with a president and ending with the nation’s best team!
#5) Barrack Obama & Joe Biden
The Hope is back! After an upset victory in 2008, O is looking to repeat in 2012. Biden – the “new Chain-y” – is a little older and [...]

Eastwood, Bolt, Romney Highlight 10 to 6

By Charles Parachute
Sports Editor
The Top 25 countdown gets political as we get closer to the final five!
#10) University of Michigan
It’s halftime. Both teams are in their locker room discussing what they can do to win this game in the second half.It’s halftime in America, too. People are out of work and they’re hurting. And [...]

GOP Receives Support from Rapists

By Chance Breckenridge
Political Reporter
WASHINGTON D.C. – Rapists across the country are uniting behind the Republican Party after Rep. Todd Akin, R-Missouri, suggested on Sunday a woman’s reproductive organs could sense rape and prevent pregnancy naturally.

“We finally have a voice in the political arena,” said Mark Jallenhover, president of the National Rapists Association (NRA). “It’s [...]