Posts Tagged ‘cannon blog’

Health Officials Disagree with Campaign Assertions
By Donald McFarland
Staff Writer
BATON ROUGE, LA - Louisiana is taking the glass-half-full approach, even if the glass is half full of crude oil.
“We’ve had some bad luck over the past few years, so it’s time to be optimistic and turn tragedy into something that might actually help the region,” said [...]

By Donald McFarland
Staff Writer
LONDON - British Petroleum, which for weeks has been attempting to stop the oil gush that is polluting the Gulf of Mexico and U.S. coasts, revealed today that Robert Green, the goalie for England’s World Cup soccer team, has been in charge of stopping the leak.
“We now understand that was a mistake,” [...]

Explosion, Oil slick follow
By Donald McFarland
Staff Writer
Jed Clampett, the famous Beverly Hills millionaire, has shot a hole in the bottom of the Gulf of Mexico, releasing a gush of oil that is creating a massive oil slick on the surface.
Workers on the nearby British Petroleum oil rig Deep Horizon reported an explosion, which likely was [...]

By Donald McFarland
Staff Writer
Fox News radio and television show host Glenn Beck has won the Cannon Newsletter’s first ever Douche Bucket of the Year Award.
It was a narrow victory, but Beck received a few more first-place votes than the other nominees, which included Rush Limbaugh, South Carolina Rep. Joe Wilson and Perez Hilton.
The Douche Bucket Award [...]

Temp Refs Had Little Time to Learn Rules
By Charles Parachute
Sports Editor
MORGANTOWN, W.VA. - Organizers of the Friends of Coal Bowl - the annual football matchup between West Virginia University and Marshall University - might have taken the coal theme too far.
An anonymous source in West Virginia Gov. Joe Manchin’s office has confirmed the state allowed [...]

Column
Candy is boring.
Kids know what to expect when they treat-or-treat - chocolate bars, suckers, gummies, etc. They grow uninterested in and apathetic toward the routine, resorting to other methods of fun, such as egging my car and mummifying me with toilet paper.
So I was left with a choice for this trick or treat night. Either [...]

Racing Could Be More Receptive to Bigot Than NFL
By Charlest Parachute
Sports Editor
DAYTONA BEACH, FLA. - Two days after a group hoping to purchase the NFL’s St. Louis Rams dropped Rush Limbaugh, the controversial radio personality announced he plans to buy a NASCAR team. He didn’t specify which team.
“I am determined to own some sort of [...]

By Corky McRoberts
Wine Columnist
Around this time every year, you’ll start reading wine columns from pretentious pinheads about how autumn is perfect for reds or how autumn is perfect for whites. Chardonnay this, Cabernet that.
Boring!
As frequent readers of my column know, I know more than they do. What they might not know, however, is I know [...]

Former Psychopathic Killer Passed Bar Exam This Year
By Donald McFarland
Staff Writer
CHARLESTON, W.VA. - Michael Myers, the infamous mass murderer from Haddonfield, Illinois, has opened a law firm in West Virginia with attorney Paul Perfater.
“I had doubts about Michael, considering his horrible history, but he has proven to me he is ready to join productive society,” Perfater [...]

Farmer Hoggett Plans to Put Down Pig
By Cynthia Stallion
Staff Writer
NEW SOUTH WALES, AUSTRALIA - Babe, the beloved pig, has contracted swine flu.
Farmer Arthur Hoggett said he has quarantined the animal, fearing the virus might spread to his sheep dogs and other animals.
“We all love Babe, of course, but I’m not sure many people have seen him since [...]