Former Psychopathic Killer Passed Bar Exam This Year

By Donald McFarland
Staff Writer

CHARLESTON, W.VA. - Michael Myers, the infamous mass murderer from Haddonfield, Illinois, has opened a law firm in West Virginia with attorney Paul Perfater.

“I had doubts about Michael, considering his horrible history, but he has proven to me he is ready to join productive society,” Perfater said. “That’s why he took the bar exam this year and decided to become a tort lawyer.”

Myers had no comment for this story because he doesn’t speak.

Asked if that would be a problem, Perfater said, “I think he’ll really be able to speak to juries with those deep, intense eyes. He doesn’t need words to made his case.”

Another Charleston lawyer, though, called Myers’ method “intimidation.”

“What jury is going to decide against him?” asked John Lindsay. “He’s killed dozens and dozens of people over the past few decades. Those deep, intense eyes are frightening and disturbing. This whole situation is absurd.”

Lindsay said he is petitioning the West Virginia Bar Association to take away Myers’ license to practice law.

“He’s a serial killer, for God’s sake,” Lindsay said.

But Perfater said Lindsay is really going after Myers because he views him as an “ambulance chaser.”

“It’s this whole stereotype about injury claims lawyers, torts and West Virginia being a ‘judicial hellhole,’” he said. “That’s what this is about. If Michael Myers was a corporate attorney, we wouldn’t be hearing about any of this.”

Lindsay disagreed.

“Let me repeat myself,” he said. “Michael Myers has killed dozens and dozens of people in the worst ways imaginable. Forget ‘judicial hellhole.’ This place could become a ‘living hell’ for everyone involved. What if Freddy Kreuger opened an insurance agency? What if Jason Voorhees became a doctor? Would that be acceptable? Of course not!”

Myers will be dealing mainly with - ironically - death claims.

“It’s something he knows a lot about, so it makes sense,” Perfater said.

Lindsay disagreed again.

“It’s only been a couple years since his last killings!” he said. “He would have to have been going to law school at the time, and that’s just crazy! This whole thing is insane!”

Farmer Hoggett Plans to Put Down Pig

By Cynthia Stallion
Staff Writer

NEW SOUTH WALES, AUSTRALIA - Babe, the beloved pig, has contracted swine flu.

Babe and Hoggett in 1995.

Farmer Arthur Hoggett said he has quarantined the animal, fearing the virus might spread to his sheep dogs and other animals.

“We all love Babe, of course, but I’m not sure many people have seen him since 1995, when his movie came out,” Hoggett said. “Baby pigs are cute. Grown pigs aren’t so much. So I hope people can view more recent pictures of him before judging me for putting him down.”

Putting him down?

“That’s right,” Hoggett said. “I’m sad to say it, but Babe’s gotta go. He’s like a rabid dog. If people can deal with Old Yeller, they can deal with this.”

Swine flu, though, is treatable.

“Sure, that’s what they say,” Hoggett said. “But they don’t have to deal with talking pigs that have swine flu. They whine and belly-ache all day. It’d be different if he couldn’t talk, but I can’t deal with his constant complaining anymore. He’s gotta go.”

Babe pleaded his case from inside a barnhouse bubble.

“What does it tell you that Farmer Hoggett is willing to purchase this big bubble contraption to protect the other animals from swine flu and yet is not willing to buy a flu shot for me?” Babe said. “Maybe he was just waiting for a good reason to turn me into bacon.”

Hoggett said the potential for a swine flu outbreak is the only reason he would kill Babe.

“I can’t make bacon out of him because he’s infected with swine flu,” he said. “I’d just bury him.”

Babe questioned if he actually has swine flu.

“This is all very convenient,” Babe said. “If swine flu wasn’t in the news, he’d come up with some other reason to do me in. He doesn’t like that an animal can question his decisions or debate with him. That’s the only virus I have - free speech.”

Column

Pumpkin donuts!

Nothing I saw at the Pumpkin Festival - not even the 1,500-pound vegetable that looked like the corpse of Linus’ Great Pumpkin - impressed me more than the revelation of making donuts from pumpkins.

I had tried the pumpkin rolls, the pumpkin ice cream, the pumpkin pie, the pumpkin bread, the pumpkin pancakes, the pumpkin butter, the pumpkin latte. I had even tasted a pumpkin Yankee candle earlier in the week. Then pumpkin donuts!

Maybe it was the glaring sunlight and unbearable heat, but I began wondering what couldn’t take on the pumpkin flavoring. Sure, the pumpkin donut concept is a breakthrough, but humanity wasn’t even close to reaching the potential of nature’s redheaded stepchild - the pumpkin.

My first experiment was pumpkin spaghetti sauce. I won’t give away all my secrets, but basically I mixed pumpkin jelly and marinara sauce, forming a substance that, one of my taste-testers observed, resembled a “very, very, very rotten apple that had been stepped on.” He described the spaghetti and pumpkin balls as “the most nauseating thing I’ve ever tasted.”

I’m still tweaking that recipe, but I’m also moving forward with a few other ideas. I have plenty of time, after all, until next year’s festival.

For example, I’ve begun perfecting pumpkin seed pizza. I use pumpkin bread dough for the crust then spread the pumpkin’s innards over the pizza’s face. I asked a close friend to try it, and she is still recovering in the hospital. Cards are welcome.

I’ve also developed gummy worms made largely from pumpkin paste. I call them “pummy worms.” To test them, I handed out a few to children in the park. All but one of the kids sat and cried after a single bite. The other kid ate handfuls of the pummy worms, but then again, he had been eating dead leaves when I first met him.

I decided to stop giving my test food to people and turned to dogs. The terrier that ate my Pumpkin Pringles began developing symptoms of rabies somehow. It was very strange. And the dalmation that lapped up my pumpkin iced tea turned orange in the eyes. I bet that will really freak out the owner, whenever I get around to returning the dogs.

Positive feedback was lacking. None of my products - not the pumpkin vodka, not the pumpkin burritos, not the pumpkin beef stew, not the pumpkin sushi - would ever receive FDA approval if I couldn’t even force my friends to enjoy them.

The lack of success was beginning to depress and deter me, but then the common result of my experiments - regurgitation - inspired me to try just one more thing - pumpkin oatmeal.

“I was able to swallow it,” said my next test subject. “And I think I’m going to be able to keep it down.”

In other words, “Success!”

I’m already envisioning the pumpkin oatmeal eating contest, with faces wallowing in large bowls of the stuff, at the 2010 Pumpkin Festival, but I don’t want to get ahead of myself. I want the recipe to be just right.

I’m currently hallowing out a pumpkin and planning to fill the shell with oatmeal - a wonderful alternative to candy for the trick-or-treaters.

Do I need a license to do this?

By Tina Roundhouse
Staff Writer

SOUTH CHARLESTON, W.VA. - Police say political activists attacked a stop sign in West Virginia, using Sharpees to write “Don’t” and “the funk” to form “Don’t STOP the funk.”

“We don’t know yet who did this, but a stop sign is no place for politics,” said Sgt. Randy Wright.

Funk supporters since the ’60s have continually pushed their main platform, which involves not stopping the funk. For several decades now, the funk has continued strongly.

Those on the anti-funk side, also known as the Republican party, believe funk is leading to the degradation of American values.

“Funk is hurting our kids,” said Wanda Billups, who reported the vandalism to police. “When I saw the sign, I immediately covered my child’s eyes. She is way too young to be exposed to funk. Someone should stop the funk.”

As of this publication, however, the funk has not stopped and shows no “signs” of slowing.

By Madam Stephano
Horoscope Writer

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23): You need a change of scenery, because the zombies are coming. Now is the best time for a fresh start, because the end of humanity is drawing near. Guard your brains!

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21): Today is good day to meet some friends and catch up, because you really need to be alone this weekend. The full moon is coming, and that’s when you change into a werewolf. If you care about others, shackle yourself in the basement with lots of snacks. And a pee-bucket.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): A change in your professional life is coming, so make sure it is the change you want. Stay on the good side of important contacts and keep your enemies close. All of this matters very little, though, because vampires are going to kill you.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Don’t answer your phone! Trust me, it’s a psycho killer. If you forget and answer the phone accidentally, note that the killer is inside the house!

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): This would be a great day to stay home and make a scrapbook filled with favorite memories from the past year. You’ll notice a white smudge in one of the photos from your trip to the lake, and yes, it’s a spirit. His name is Humphrey, and he’s mostly friendly. That ghost in your basement, though … well, that’s another story.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): Romance is in store, so keep your eyes open for love. And gremlins. You’re likely to encounter gremlins. Practice lighting and waving torches. They hate fire.

Aries (March 21-April 19): Make concessions for those with knowledge, for wisdom will bring prosperity. Save for the future and give often. As you build your responsibility, your wealth will grow. Learn from those who have been in your position. Respect leads to self-improvement. Also, your house is built on an Indian burial ground. So move.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): You’re going to need to know how to perform an exorcism, so bone up on the subject. The devil is a formidable enemy - get some rest.

Gemini (May 21-June 21): That noise in your attic? It’s not a squirrel.

Cancer (June 22-July 22): Your investments won’t perform well in the coming days. If you need to feel better, read the fortunes above. Your life is pretty good, huh? Have a beer and be thankful zombies aren’t clawing at your front door.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): The city can be beautiful, so take a stroll through the streets. You’ll meet a lifelong friend. Seriously, stay in a well-populated area. Don’t go into the woods. I won’t say any more about this. Just know that if you go into the woods, you’ll regret it, and I won’t feel sorry for you. Your other lifelong friends are going to invite you to go camping. Try to convince them not to go, but even if they still do, you stay in the city. I try not to get really specific in these horoscopes, so just know you need to stay away from the woods.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): You’re going to be abducted by aliens this evening, so just try to enjoy the sunny weather today. It’s going to be a rough night.

Today’s Birthday (October 8): Your birthday cake is made of … people! People!

You share a special connection with Sagittarius, Taurus and Grendar, the Dark Lord of the Undead. Your lucky numbers are 7, 12, 41, 57 and 19.

Critic Says Swine Flu Killed Simon

By Cynthia Stallion
Staff Writer

NEW YORK CITY - Historians and literary experts are scrambling to discredit a new theory claiming swine flu played a role in a 1954 island incident described in the classic “Lord of the Flies.”

Robert Upton of New York City recently published an article suggesting the H1N1 strain existed when the allegorical tragedy, which involved a group of stranded boys, happened.

“Jack Merridew’s tribe killed a pig and stuck its head on a stake,” Upton said. “The book goes on to say Jack’s tribe killed Simon, but I believe it could have been swine flu. It is documented that Simon was obsessed with the pig head and began hallucinating. That sounds like swine flu.”

Franklin Caraway, who often contributes to the New York Times Review of Books, disagrees.

“For one, swine flu doesn’t make you hallucinate in the way Simon did,” he said. “And what evidence does he have to suggest swine flu was around at that point? And why would it be on an island.”

Roger, who assumed control from the weakened and shamed Jack in “Lord of the Flies,” also has doubts about Upton’s ideas.

“I was there when we stabbed him to death,” said Roger, who is in prison for various crimes following the 1954 incident. “The spears … that’s what killed him. Wasn’t swine flu.”

Ralph, leader of a second tribe on the island, also insists Simon was murdered.

“Whether he had the flu or not, the stabbing is what killed him,” said Ralph, now a priest. “They stuck him through. Those lunatics later dropped a rock on my friend Piggy. Roger and those sadistic twins, along with all the rest - they were going to kill me, too, until we were rescued.”

According to author William Golding’s account, Simon was a Christ-like figure who experienced extraordinary sensations. He has an aversion to the pig head, which taunted him.

“He wasn’t literally taunting him, though,” Upton explained. “That was Golding’s way of saying the pig’s head was transmitting swine flu.”

Upton admits the dozens of stab wounds could have killed Simon, but he contends swine flu could have played a role in the death.

“He might have survived if he was just stabbed and did not have H1N1,” he said. “I’d love to see an autopsy report.”

Roger strongly disagreed.

“I got him in the neck one time and nearly took his head off,” he said. “Just that one stab wound would have killed him. You know, the book suggests we didn’t know it was Simon, and maybe the others didn’t. But I saw Simon clearly, even though it was dark. I hated that kid. I stabbed the hell out of him and had fun doing it.”

Caraway plans to publish a retort this month. Until then, he said, “the misinformation is sure to spread. People are really missing the point of ‘Lord of the Flies.’ It’s not ‘Lord of the Swine Flu.’”

Novella to Unfold Throughout October

By Donald McFarland
Staff Writer

NEW YORK CITY - An anonymous author has started releasing chapters of the “FaceHook” novella.

The online-only story will unfold throughout October.

“FaceHook” is about a serial killer who uses Facebook to find victims and creative ways to kill them.

Chapter 1 appeared today at www.facehook.info. Chapters will follow daily and conclude Oct. 31, Halloween.

Company Launches Questionable Ad Campaign

By Penny Moolah
Business Editor

SEATTLE - Coffee giant Starbucks has released its VIA Ready Brew, a powdered version of its beverages that comes in tiny packets.

“We think it tastes just as good as any cup of freshly brewed Starbucks coffee,” the promotions say. “But don’t take our word for it. Try Starbucks VIA for yourself.”

Starbucks, then, is admitting its coffee is comparable to a powdered drink - the coffee version of Tang, perhaps, or Crystal Light packets.

“I guess it does taste about the same,” said Tim Lloyd of Seattle. “Not bad, not great. I guess it’s good I don’t have to wait in line.”

Starbucks spokesperson Frank Conners said the advertising campaign is not meant to insinuate Starbucks coffee is average.

“That’s not the point of the commercials,” he said. “We’re trying to say the VIA Ready Brew is fantastic, just like Starbucks coffee.”

One customer, Lisa Malone, disagreed.

“No, powdered drinks can’t be awesome,” she said. “It’s a quick, easy way to make a beverage. Powdered coffee can’t be as good as freshly-ground, freshly-brewed coffee. The thought is absurd. But are these little packets as good as Starbucks? Yeah, probably.”

Conners seemed annoyed.

“No, you aren’t getting it,” he said. “Starbucks makes some of the best coffee in the world. We think we’re getting the same taste out of the VIA products.”

Lloyd disagreed.

“Starbucks is good, but the coffee I make at home is about as good,” he said. “We just like coming to Starbucks because it’s cool. If they could put the atmosphere and music into a packet of powder, that would be great. And the pastries are good, too. How about some powdered scones? But some people who go to Starbucks are pretentious assholes, so I don’t want them in my powdered beverage. No instant assholes, please.”

Conners was visibly upset.

“We can’t replicate the trendy, laid-back atmosphere of Starbucks locations in a powdered beverage,” he said. “All we’re saying is the VIA drinks are exceptional.”

Malone said if the VIA Ready Brew products are truly like Starbucks, they would put other, possibly better powdered drinks out of business.

“I think a Starbucks powdered drink, if its truly like Starbucks, should hit us in the face over and over again with mass marketing and pop culture,” she said. “We should feel hip even if it’s swill we’re drinking. It should make us feel like we should read books in public just so people know we read. Ironically, though, we would feel ashamed for reading popular, mass-market books in public. Can you put all that into a packet?”

Conners started stammering.

“No, no, no!” he yelled. “Starbucks is cool because our customers make it cool! This has nothing to do with the Ready Brew!”

While customers seem to agree that the VIA beverages do indeed taste like Starbucks coffee, the company has yet to determine if that’s good, bad or average.

Old Fogies Applaud Vaccination Strategy

By Tina Roundhouse
Staff Writer

WASHINGTON DC - Health officials have announced how they plan to fight the H1N1 virus, commonly known as the swine flu, this fall. They are distributing flu shots to clinics and hospitals throughout the nation.

Clemmons

“We’ve been spending a lot of time looking at this problem, and we eventually concluded we just go with the flu shot,” said Thomas Frieden, director of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. “It’s worked for a while now. We think it could be the ticket.”

The Old Fogies Union is backing the plan.

“If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it,” said Rascal P. Clemmons, president of the organization. “That’s what we used to say when times was good. Back in my day, everyone got the flu shot and damn well liked it.”

Clemmons said the swine flu “ain’t nothin’.” When he was a child, he explained, he used to get swine flu every week.

“I didn’t complain about it,” he said. “I just got my flu shot and ate my soup. Nothin’ works like the good ole reliable - flu shots and soup. Kids today; they piss and moan about every little disease. Back in my day, we had the plague. The Black Plague. Now that was a bitch. You ain’t gettin’ rid of the plague with no shot, I guarantee that. The plague took one of my arms.”

Clemmons obviously has two arms.

“I sewed it back on!” he said. “I didn’t complain about it like people today with their swine flu nonsense. No siree. I just sewed it back on and kept on goin’. That’s what you do. You don’t piss and moan, ‘Oh, I’m sneezing. Oh, my nose is clogged.’ Just get yur flu shot, for pete sake.”

Frieden said the vaccine should be available sometime in October.

“Yep, it’s the flu shot,” he said. “That’s all we got.”

Commentary

The Cannon Blog presents a comparison of two men making headlines this week - musician Kanye West and Joe Wilson, Republican congressman from South Carolina.

Hometown
West: Chicago
Wilson: Charleston, SC

Notorious this week for
West: Interrupting Taylor Swift during her acceptance speech at the MTV Video Music Awards, declaring Beyonce Knowles should have won the Best Female Video Award
Wilson: Interrupting President Obama during a speech about his health care plan, shouting, “You lie!”

Was the person’s statement correct?
West: Yes
Wilson: No

Words were directed toward …
West: Awards show audience
Wilson: President of the United States

Public Reaction
West: Almost universal ridicule
Wilson: The public, along with Congress, is split. While Democrats admonish Wilson, Republicans show support. Some commentators say it’s time to move on, while others say Wilson was brave.

Ethnicity
West: Black
Wilson: White

Words used to describe actions
West: Thuggish, Awful, Rude, Aggressive, Violent
Wilson: Awful, Rude, Brave, Commendable, Courageous, Defiant, Daring, Strong

Did he apologize?
West: Yes
Wilson: Yes

Perceived victim
West: White Female
Wilson: Black Man

Examples of Feedback from Media
West: 

• “Flat out, Kanye West’s actions were rude and indefensible.”
• “The lowest-rent gin joint in the city knows that when some lout has busted up the place a few times, you post his picture by the door and tell him he ain’t welcome here no more. If he comes in anyway, you throw him out.”
• “West, a rowdy rapper, took the mic and said Beyonce should have won. It was a terrible moment.”

Wilson:

• “Rep. Joe Wilson deserves all the condemnation he’s received for his boorish behavior during President Obama’s address on health care.”
• “Wilson is a very nice guy, very earnest, conscientious, hardworking and unfailingly polite. He is not one to do this sort of thing. He is not a protester, a demonstrator, a conscientious objector or a nonviolent resistor. So when he blurted out what many other Republicans probably were thinking, he crossed an invisible but firm line of decorum on the House floor.”
• “Joe Wilson simply articulated what millions of Americans were saying.”