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GOP Receives Support from Rapists

By Chance Breckenridge
Political Reporter

WASHINGTON D.C. – Rapists across the country are uniting behind the Republican Party after Rep. Todd Akin, R-Missouri, suggested on Sunday a woman’s reproductive organs could sense rape and prevent pregnancy naturally.



“We finally have a voice in the political arena,” said Mark Jallenhover, president of the National Rapists Association (NRA). “It’s about time lawmakers start empathizing a little more with rapists and little less with victims, who have been getting their way for too long now.”

Republican National Committee communications director Sean Spicer said rapist support “is one of the worst kinds of support,” although he added, “we welcome their votes.”

Jallenhover said the NRA has never supported a candidate in either party, but that will change this year.

“It’s clear the GOP has the interests of rapists in mind, so we want to be sure we get the word out and make sure voters are informed,” he said.

“Please, God, no,” Spicer said. “Again, we’d love to have your votes. But it would really help us if you publically supported the Democrats instead or just stopped speaking altogether.”

Jallenhover and other NRA representatives had scheduled a rally today in Washington, but they were immediately arrested when they arrived. Because, you know … they’re rapists.

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