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Mitt Romney Looks to Buy Ohio

By Chance Breckenridge
Political Reporter

COLUMBUS, OHIO -  Mitt Romney, the presumptive Republican candidate for president, was in Ohio this morning and made a shocking offer to Gov. John Kasich.



Romney wants to buy Ohio, and its 18 electoral votes, for $500 million.

“I love Ohio’s … trees and such … and I believe I could take very good care of it,” Romney said within earshot of reporters.

Kasich nervously looked around the room before asking Romney to join him in private. One of Romney’s aides started crying.

This reporter later caught up with Kasich, a Republican, and asked about their conversation.

“I think he was speaking in euphemisms,” Kasich said. “He is hoping to earn - or ‘buy’ - the support of Ohio citizens and keep his promises to them when he is president.”

But why the specific amount of $500 million? And is that a fair prices for a state?

“I just think he is very specific when it comes to euphemisms,” Kasich said. “I don’t want to discuss what Ohio would be worth, because … well … I’m just so tired. It’s been a long day.”

Ann Conner, a spokesperson for the Obama Administration, declined comment, saying only, “We usually just like to sit back and enjoy Mr. Romney’s ideas.”

David Ratcliff, a spokesperson for Romney, echoed Kasich, saying Romney’s words were not literal.

“He’s working hard to win Ohio, and for him, ‘buy’ is another word for ‘win,’” Ratcliff said.

But while this reporter and Ratcliff were talking, Romney entered the room and tried to whisper into Ratcliff’s ear, “Do you think they would take six-hundred?”

Ratcliff quickly ushered Romney from the room and returned a few minutes later.

“He was talking about Route 600 in Ohio,” Ratcliff said. “He was asking about directions. That’s all.”

But doesn’t he travel by jet?

“Euphemisms, dammit!” Ratcliff screamed. “Euphemisms!”

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