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Fast Food Gets Political

By Tina Roundhouse
Staff Writer

OAK BROOK, Ill -  With Chick-fil-A President Dan Cathy last month speaking out against gay marriage last month, garnering response from both supporters and protesters, other fast food personalities are opting to enter the political arena.



“I won’t keep quiet any longer about Obamacare,” said Ronald McDonald during an interview with a local radio station. “It’s a move toward socialism, plain and simple. If you get a mcnugget lodged in your throat, you shouldn’t have to wait for the government to tell you which doctor can pull it out.”

McDonald said he usually tries to avoid politics and possibly angering patrons. “But if I feel this strongly about something, I’m not just going to keep grinning like nothing is wrong with the country. I mean, I always grin, but … you know what I mean.”

Meanwhile, Wendy - of Wendy’s fame - has expressed support for stem cell research.

“The recent change in our fries is a direct result of stem cell research, and I believe Taco Bell can credit the science for developing the Doritos shell,” she said. “I’ve also heard it can help fight certain diseases, so that’s good, too.”

The Burger King has, not surprisingly, expressed his support for an imperialist form of foreign policy.

“The U.S. is in a unique position to conquer nations and replace ideologies with burgers! Wonderful burgers!” he proclaimed.

Jared, the longtime Subway spokesman, is speaking out against gun control. During public appearances, he has started shooting his old jeans with a wide array of assault rifles.

Star, the former Hardee’s logo, has come out out against TARP and other government bailout efforts while unemployment grows and the gap between the upper and middle classes expands.

“I’m a fallen star after Hardee’s just decided to let me go while fat-cat executives got fatter,” Star said. “I’m sure one-percenters like Ronald McDonald are just fine with the way things are. But I stand with the 99 percent, and we’re not clowning around anymore!”

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