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Gay Cows Plead for Truce

By Tina Roundhouse
Staff Writer

ATLANTA - As supporters and protesters gather at Chick-Fil-A restaurants across the nation to celebrate or make out publicly, respectively, some of the chain’s beloved bovine mascots are calling for peace.

“As cattle, we of course support Chick-fil-A’s ceaseless slaughter of chickens,” said Bonnie, a long-time Chick-fil-A cow and open lesbian. “At the same time, we support gay marriage. We are emotionally conflicted.”

The controversy started last month, when company president Dan Cathy confirmed a stance against gay marriage, saying, “we’re inviting God’s judgment on our nation when we shake our fist at him and say we know better than you as to what constitutes a marriage.”

Gay rights organizations in response called for a boycott, while some politicians even suggested zoning out Chick-fil-A locations. Conservative commentators, meanwhile, urged support, and Fox News personality Mike Huckabee designated Aug. 1 “Chick-fil-A Appreciation Day.”

“It should be ‘Chick-fil-Appreciation Day,’” Bonnie said. “There’s no need for the extra ‘A.’ If he would have just taken a few more seconds to think about his idea, he would have come up with that more clever name.”

But, Bonnie continue, “I’m getting off the subject. As proud members of the bovian community and proud representatives of Chick-fil-A, this has been a tough time for us, obviously.”

Blue, a bull who in 2004 had his horns removed so he could be a Chick-fil-A cow, said the focus should return to chickens.

“We need to remember Chick-fil-A’s roots,” he said. “Whether we are for or against gay marriage, we can join forces to devour chickens … those godless, filthy, delicious chickens. Let’s get together and stop eating beef. Let’s rip the feathers and beaks off those heathen chickens and feast on their blood. It’s something we all can believe in.”

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