Southern States Market Gulf as ‘America’s Dead Sea’

Health Officials Disagree with Campaign Assertions

By Donald McFarland
Staff Writer

BATON ROUGE, LA - Louisiana is taking the glass-half-full approach, even if the glass is half full of crude oil.

“We’ve had some bad luck over the past few years, so it’s time to be optimistic and turn tragedy into something that might actually help the region,” said Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal.

That’s why the tourism departments in Louisiana, Florida and Texas are partnering to market the Gulf of Mexico as “America’s Dead Sea.”

The obvious connection might be “death,” since the expanding oil spill is killing so many creatures and destroying the Western Hemisphere.

The tourism departments, however, are not building this campaign on death.

The Dead Sea, located near Israel, is famous for its high salt density, which allows visitors to easily float in its waters. Similarly, the high crude density in the Gulf would also allow tourists to float.

“Salt and crude oil are different,” said Dr. Philip Compton, a medical examiner in Tallahassee, Fla. “Salt won’t kill swimmers, but crude oil might, especially if you consume some of it. You shouldn’t swim in crude oil. It’s stupid, and I can’t believe I’m even discussing this.”

Medical science, though, isn’t deterring efforts to boost tourism in the wake of disaster.

“Sure, you shouldn’t drink it, but you shouldn’t drink salt water either, and nobody’s complaining about the dangers of ‘normal oceans,’” said Jim Hutchinson, assistant secretary at the Louisiana Office of Tourism. “All we’re saying is that if you might enjoy swimming in the Dead Sea, you might just want to save money by staying in the U.S. and swimming in our Dead Sea.”

The tourism departments are working with marketing firms as they decide whether or not to stick with the term “America’s Dead Sea.”

“We’ve been discussing various names, but a lot of words associated with oil, like ‘crude’ and ‘toxic,’ aren’t attractive,” Hutchinson explained. “We’ve considered ‘Sea of Darkness,’ because that’s not so bad, but for now we’re sticking with ‘America’s Dead Sea: Where the Therapeutic Value of Oil Is Just a Wade Away.”

Compton was further annoyed: “There is no therapeutic value in oil. They can’t just say that because the other Dead Sea offers therapeutic value. This idea is really dumb.”

In response, British Petroleum, which is responsible for the mass destruction, issued this statement: “Again, we are really, really, really sorry. We are saddened by the affect this has had on coastal states, and we are working to clean up the waters as soon as possible while issuing really, really, really large sums of money to those hurt by the incident. But, for the love of God, do not swim in the oil slicks.”