BP Reveals Goalie Was In Charge of Stopping Leak

By Donald McFarland
Staff Writer

LONDON - British Petroleum, which for weeks has been attempting to stop the oil gush that is polluting the Gulf of Mexico and U.S. coasts, revealed today that Robert Green, the goalie for England’s World Cup soccer team, has been in charge of stopping the leak.

“We now understand that was a mistake,” said Bob Dudley, BP’s managing director. “Robert has trouble stopping things.”

That was evident Saturday, when Green allowed a roller through his hands, resulting in the only goal for the U.S. The game ended in a tie.

BP officials wouldn’t comment when asked why they would put a soccer goalie in charge of stopping an oil leak.

Photos obtained by the Cannon Blog show Green, wearing Mickey Mouse-like gloves, at a control panel and making marks on some sort of blueprint.

In an exclusive interview with the Cannon Blog, Green said he takes responsibility for allowing through both the soccer ball and the continuing rush of black death.

“I just need to keep my eye on the ball and get in front of the leak,” he said. “They teach you that at soccer camp and in engineering school. Block with your body.”

In fact, however, BP ended its relationship with Green when he proposed actually using his body to stop the leak.

“While he certainly is a skilled goalie and has very large gloves, we don’t feel that will solve the problem, at least not in the long-run,” Dudley said.

Green’s other ideas for stopping the leak have included the “top kill” strategy, flooding the pipe with mud and inserting golf balls in the opening.

“In hindsight, we should have stopped working with Robert when he came up with the golf ball idea,” Dudley said. “I mean, what the bloody hell? Golf balls?”

Green actually has a lengthy resume of trying to stop things. He has attempted to stop the flow of illegal immigrants from Mexico to the U.S., cocaine trafficking from South America to the U.S. and global warming.

Indeed, Saturday’s World Cup match was the first time a Green failure benefited the U.S.

Green still has burn scars from childhood, when his sweater caught fire and he failed to stop before dropping and rolling.