Michael Myers Opens Law Practice

Former Psychopathic Killer Passed Bar Exam This Year

By Donald McFarland
Staff Writer

CHARLESTON, W.VA. - Michael Myers, the infamous mass murderer from Haddonfield, Illinois, has opened a law firm in West Virginia with attorney Paul Perfater.

“I had doubts about Michael, considering his horrible history, but he has proven to me he is ready to join productive society,” Perfater said. “That’s why he took the bar exam this year and decided to become a tort lawyer.”

Myers had no comment for this story because he doesn’t speak.

Asked if that would be a problem, Perfater said, “I think he’ll really be able to speak to juries with those deep, intense eyes. He doesn’t need words to made his case.”

Another Charleston lawyer, though, called Myers’ method “intimidation.”

“What jury is going to decide against him?” asked John Lindsay. “He’s killed dozens and dozens of people over the past few decades. Those deep, intense eyes are frightening and disturbing. This whole situation is absurd.”

Lindsay said he is petitioning the West Virginia Bar Association to take away Myers’ license to practice law.

“He’s a serial killer, for God’s sake,” Lindsay said.

But Perfater said Lindsay is really going after Myers because he views him as an “ambulance chaser.”

“It’s this whole stereotype about injury claims lawyers, torts and West Virginia being a ‘judicial hellhole,’” he said. “That’s what this is about. If Michael Myers was a corporate attorney, we wouldn’t be hearing about any of this.”

Lindsay disagreed.

“Let me repeat myself,” he said. “Michael Myers has killed dozens and dozens of people in the worst ways imaginable. Forget ‘judicial hellhole.’ This place could become a ‘living hell’ for everyone involved. What if Freddy Kreuger opened an insurance agency? What if Jason Voorhees became a doctor? Would that be acceptable? Of course not!”

Myers will be dealing mainly with - ironically - death claims.

“It’s something he knows a lot about, so it makes sense,” Perfater said.

Lindsay disagreed again.

“It’s only been a couple years since his last killings!” he said. “He would have to have been going to law school at the time, and that’s just crazy! This whole thing is insane!”