Sickness Forces Purina to Reveal Bacon Addiction
By Donald McFarland
Hamlet the Beggin’ Dog first showed symptoms last week and is “progressively getting worse,” said Dr. Melanie Stafford.
“We do think he’ll eventually get better,” she said. “But he’s gotta lay off the bacon.”
Hamlet is best known for his catch phrase, “It’s bacon!” Hamlet’s love for bacon, however, has grown into a bacon addiction, and he suffers from extremely high blood cholesterol levels.
“The swine flu is really the least of his worries,” Stafford said. “Once he recovers from the swine flu, Hamlet is going to have to start exercising and eating regular dog food. A lot of people think he eats Beggin’ Bits, but he hates Beggin’ Bits. His diet consists solely of actual bacon. Breakfast, lunch and dinner. It’s bacon!”
Purina representatives said Hamlet had a difficult time understanding the virus. Stafford spent hours trying to explain swine flu’s ramifications, but Hamlet just kept excitedly repeating, “Bacon!”
Stafford finally responded, “It’s swine flu!”
“I think it finally sunk in after that,” Stafford said. “He started thinking about his health. Not just about swine flu, but about his horribly clogged blood vessels. I think swine flu could end up changing his life for the better.”