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Experts Offer Technique for Dealing With Swine Flu Victims

Most Effective Method Is Shot to Head

By Cynthia Stallion
Staff Writer

As the swine flu continues to rip apart the nation, medical and law enforcement experts are offering instructions for people who encounter swine flu victims.

“In the interest of limiting and controlling the disease, we are suggesting a blow to the head,” said Sgt. Carl Franks of the Austin, Texas, Police Department. “Most people, we realize, don’t carry guns, but we ask you to disable the victim in some way, whether it be with a club, knife or hammer.”

Dr. Jennifer Steele of San Diego said disabling the victim is necessary to prevent attacks.

“If someone infected with swine flu bites you or spits on you, there’s a good chance you’ll get it, too,” she said. “You want to incapacitate them.”

Franks said the best way to avoid harm is sneaking up on the victim.

“I you suspect - even mildly expect - someone you know or some stranger on the street has swine flu, quietly approach the person and take them down,” he said. “I would hope that during this crisis, everyone would opt to carry guns. That’s the best way to take down a swine flu victim - a shot to the back of the head.”

If one decides to use a blunt object instead, Franks continued, “beat them in the head until you’re sure they’re dead.”

After that, Steele said, you should burn the body, making sure to wear some kind of protective mask during the process.

“Move the body to a remote area if possible and cover the body in gasoline,” she said. “Then burn it. After that, you should report to your local police department and that you’ve killed and burned a swine flu victim.”

If possible, Franks added, remove the head before burning the body. Then bury it at least 10 feet below the earth’s surface.

“That’s precautionary,” Franks said. “If you don’t have a sharp blade, don’t waste bullets trying to disconnect the head with your gun. You might need that ammo for other swine flu victims. Burning the head with the body is going to be good enough 99 percent of the time.”

1 Comment on “Experts Offer Technique for Dealing With Swine Flu Victims”

  1. #1 Corey
    on May 5th, 2009 at 10:02 am

    Ok people, let’s not panic here. Let the Neville brothers work their magic. I repeat, there is no cause yet for panic. In fact, the WHO is currently denying the existence of swine flu. Those military operations on the border are for drug trafficking…. right?????

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