Vocalist Eager to Sing for Millions of Sufferers
BATON ROUGE, LA - Researchers at Louisiana State University say they have discovered a cure for the influenza virus, or the flu.
The discovery came after famed blues singer Aaron Neville met with and presented a theory to the researchers. Neville hypothesized cacao butter, which the singer regularly rubs on his massive byceps, was a possible cure for the flu.
“I’d never had the flu,” Neville said. “And since I use cacao butter daily, I thought maybe it was preventing the flu.”
The researchers quickly dismissed the idea.
“There’s no reason to believe cacao butter would cure the flu,” said Dr. Anthony Sizemore.
Neville graciously thanked the researchers, singing, “I appreciate your time,” using his unique falsetto. Test mice that had been given the influenza virus in the LSU lab immediately began to stir.
“The mice were recovering quickly after Aaron Neville left the facility,” Sizemore said. “It was really quite amazing. Just an hour later, the flu was gone from their systems.”
The researchers debated the cause for days before asking Neville to return to the facility. There, Neville sang “Fire and Rain” for a human patient.
“It was like heaven was entering my ears without asking,” said the patient, Jennifer Stilling. “When he’d finished the eight-minute rendition, all the symptoms were gone.”
Researchers have determined Neville’s falsetto is the actual cure, and unfortunately, that cannot be bottled. Neville, however, has announced he will tour around the world each year before flu season hits.
“Instead of getting flu shots, just come to my concerts,” Neville said. “Or if you do get the flu, just pick up one of my albums. You’ll feel better in no time. That’s my Neville guarantee. That’s my Neville-tee.”