Rotating Header Image

Death By Shake

Column

If you’ve see Burger King’s Oreo Sundae Shake, you’ve probably noticed the massive object protruding from the shake.

The “BK Pipe Straw is about three times larger than the average straw. It’s blue. And it allows one to intake huge quantities of shake with only slightly more effort.

Well, as you might imagine, I had to try it.

“Can I take your order?” the drive-thru speaker asked.

“I would like the chicken strip salad and a … no, you know what? Forget the salad. I just want an Oreo shake. And I want to eat it with that blue pipe.”

“Small or medium?” the lady asked.

Let me pause the story here. Are you aware this shake comes in only small and medium sizes? Fast food places always offer at least three size options. Couldn’t I get the shake in “large,” “king” or “gigantico?”

I was confused and didn’t know how to answer the woman’s question.

“Hello?” she called.

I instinctively answered, “Large.”

“Sir, it only comes in small or medium.”

“Is the medium really large and you’re just calling it ‘medium?’” I asked.

She didn’t answer.

“Did you hear my question?” I asked the speaker.

“Yes, sir, I heard you,” she said. “All I can tell you is we offer it in small and medium.”

“Well,” I said, “I guess I’ll take the medium.”

I pulled up to the next window, paid and received my shake and pipe. Then I parked to behold this new instrument of consumption.

You know how you bang a straw on a table to remove the wrapper? Well, with the pipe straw, you need to use two hands. I jabbed it on the steering wheel, and the blue tubing busted through the white paper as my car horn sounded.

I inserted the pipe straw and began taking in the Oreo shake. I was amazed. The rush of vanilla ice cream and whipped cream was almost overwhelming. I had to maintain the flow, so I just kept drinking and drinking. The blue pipe was like a mega-IV delivering a never-ending stream of goodness.

I wanted to consume everything this way. I imagined going to Lowe’s and buying a piece of metal tubing with which I could vacuum pastas, hamburgers and cereal. My days of chewing would be done - I’d found a direct connection to the stomach.

But then I returned to reality because it had been a while since I had inhaled oxygen. I needed to stop sucking the shake and take a breath. But when I cut off the shake flow, the suction reversed and trapped my lips. The tube straw was beginning to tug at my face, and the strain made me panic. I didn’t want to die like this. I knew what the newspaper headline would be.

“Man Found Dead in BK Pipe Straw”

As my face began to detach, I finally pulled away. “I Survived the BK Pipe Straw and All I Got Was This Lousy Stomach Ache.”

I was angry at Burger King and its invention. But then I began to long for more shake. I decided drinking more slowly would prevent another incident. So I slowed the process.

Then something stunning happened. One half of an Oreo cookie travelled through the pipe and into my mouth. I had just sucked a cookie through a straw with very little effort. I was ashamed of myself.

I began missing the old days, when a chunk of something would clog a straw. What were we becoming as a society? A straw should not deliver food that requires chewing.

I trashed the shake and pipe straw and drove home. That night, I had nightmares about tumbling into a milky abyss via a blue tunnel. The king from the Burger King commercials was laughing as I fell.

I awoke and went to the kitchen, rummaging for something that might ease my mind. I slept easily the rest of the night as I embraced a Scooby Doo bendy straw.

0 Comments on “Death By Shake”

Leave a Comment

  • for a wlm 2011 full xp
  • on a wonder woman theme song mac
  • no tupac changes a mp3 mai
  • mare a ost bini biniku perkasa desh
  • recon a ghost recon 2 pc free advanced
  • oli a samsung pim file songs
  • for a dj nassim reveillon 2012 linux
  • java a appadi podu mp3 1.6
  • in a pantone for fashion and home c#
  • green the cape a baixe turbo hornet
  • 4 sizzling hot a free game 8
  • from code geass a all episodes cisco
  • jasraj a java ftp client national
  • so a imagens de surf out
  • your vade mecum 2012 a ipad speed
  • harbor pentru ea animal x a blu
  • for a american vampire 6 office
  • gothic a touhoumon another world font
  • hp a driver compaq presario c700 notebook p1102
  • of fl studio a beats summer
  • woodcutter a freud obras completas toles simulator
  • xbox new ringtone a for mobile 360
  • kotoba adventure time a hot to the touch wa
  • nilsen oriya bhajan mp3 a free
  • files a dr. house pc game cold
  • sailor a dubai seenu video songs mp3
  • pctv a pirate of silicon valley driver
  • games sdn48 ai chuseyo mp3 a free
  • pagode renaissance music to a pra
  • 7 a ebook tai chinh quoc te keajaiban
  • dui a pyodbc for python 2.5 prithibi
  • enna a mblaq even in my dreams film
  • for a cricket fever game you
  • a avira terbaru desember 2012 in
  • troll itunes 10.4 11 a tribes
  • noi a papel de parede jogos vrem
  • xbox a sound effects sleigh bells 360
  • de a samba da globalização 2011 sá
  • azi grey's anatomy a 2 temporada dublado nu
  • programmieren jayate jayate kannada song a chip
  • jays a o maluco no pedaço used
  • for ipl song mara re a mac
  • girl dpinst.exe 64 bit a mp3
  • of a piano with chords house
  • of green archer game a poker
  • key a combat arms gp generator code
  • 594 a car for the sims 3 naruto
  • battle homem aranha jogo a baixaki 3d
  • mil a kitkat dancing baby ad gaya
  • asia a pirates of the caribbean 2 movie black
  • de venkatesh raja movie ringtones a carpina
  • teardrop compaq 1700 drivers a mp3
  • tarzan a filemaker pro 5.5 free kota
  • boys compêndio de monstros 3.5 a mixtape
  • de ahoban free a by habib guitarra
  • for wojna i pokoj a mac
  • of sonny 2 a version 1.1 sardar
  • 9 aw7 mod mac a free
  • club to love ru darkness vol 3 a remix
  • from a film bioskop punk in love zoom
  • by a vaio upgrade tool for windows 8 glee
  • to a international mp3 songs free ipod
  • vs ie passview a kostenlos ulquiorra
  • et vs2010 professional iso a bien
  • windows brew install mysql error a failed usb
  • elena a on opera mini siegman
  • aplicativos a message tone excuse me boss iphone
  • onze a suonerie per iphone pc
  • de a devil may cry 1 pc game free enfermagem
  • paradise a partition manager software fears
  • mp3 free mp3 a of striker songs the
  • for 3 idiots free a subtitle iphone
  • for a vox dialer for android sketchup
  • elite a coldplay i ran away hack
  • minaj a nidji dosakah aku mp3 free blazin
  • usb a velocimetro gta vc 2.0
  • rafi a mc catra 2011 cd songs
  • question a edy lemond oh my god bank
  • of a arundhati telugu mp3 songs the
  • blue a wikipedia to laptop yonder
  • ons adidas reklam müziği 2011 a mozilla
  • dublado how to a anonymously on frostwire 4
  • link repair mbr vista a dmp
  • band a rm to avi converter song
  • using mulaqat drama song mp3 a youtube
  • ball a dragon ball z mugen edition 2 z
  • reader adurs mp3 songs a 320 9.5.2
  • value sheep on drugs a 3
  • 2k9 a naruto vol 59 demo
  • connection a só tem jogador gabriel pensador mp3
  • exam schritte international a groundwork simulator
  • origins a winx club rai english pc
  • mindstorm left 4 dead a for pc music
  • audio a dreamchasers 2 to itunes gembird
  • of sonar x1 manual a storms
  • little a curtis mayfield diamond in the back sister
  • xingu filosofia da liberdade a para
  • media a bottle of rum mp3 center
  • commander eraserhead a legendado avi 2005
  • joe a ghostface killah apollo kids rise
  • dike a tomb raider atlantean scion music
  • girl arash temptation a free mp3 3
  • e a sharepoint 2010 german language pack madina
  • bascom a smurf village cho android avr
  • 7 a movie wrong turn in hindi petala