Rotating Header Image

Death By Shake

Column

If you’ve see Burger King’s Oreo Sundae Shake, you’ve probably noticed the massive object protruding from the shake.

The “BK Pipe Straw is about three times larger than the average straw. It’s blue. And it allows one to intake huge quantities of shake with only slightly more effort.

Well, as you might imagine, I had to try it.

“Can I take your order?” the drive-thru speaker asked.

“I would like the chicken strip salad and a … no, you know what? Forget the salad. I just want an Oreo shake. And I want to eat it with that blue pipe.”

“Small or medium?” the lady asked.

Let me pause the story here. Are you aware this shake comes in only small and medium sizes? Fast food places always offer at least three size options. Couldn’t I get the shake in “large,” “king” or “gigantico?”

I was confused and didn’t know how to answer the woman’s question.

“Hello?” she called.

I instinctively answered, “Large.”

“Sir, it only comes in small or medium.”

“Is the medium really large and you’re just calling it ‘medium?’” I asked.

She didn’t answer.

“Did you hear my question?” I asked the speaker.

“Yes, sir, I heard you,” she said. “All I can tell you is we offer it in small and medium.”

“Well,” I said, “I guess I’ll take the medium.”

I pulled up to the next window, paid and received my shake and pipe. Then I parked to behold this new instrument of consumption.

You know how you bang a straw on a table to remove the wrapper? Well, with the pipe straw, you need to use two hands. I jabbed it on the steering wheel, and the blue tubing busted through the white paper as my car horn sounded.

I inserted the pipe straw and began taking in the Oreo shake. I was amazed. The rush of vanilla ice cream and whipped cream was almost overwhelming. I had to maintain the flow, so I just kept drinking and drinking. The blue pipe was like a mega-IV delivering a never-ending stream of goodness.

I wanted to consume everything this way. I imagined going to Lowe’s and buying a piece of metal tubing with which I could vacuum pastas, hamburgers and cereal. My days of chewing would be done - I’d found a direct connection to the stomach.

But then I returned to reality because it had been a while since I had inhaled oxygen. I needed to stop sucking the shake and take a breath. But when I cut off the shake flow, the suction reversed and trapped my lips. The tube straw was beginning to tug at my face, and the strain made me panic. I didn’t want to die like this. I knew what the newspaper headline would be.

“Man Found Dead in BK Pipe Straw”

As my face began to detach, I finally pulled away. “I Survived the BK Pipe Straw and All I Got Was This Lousy Stomach Ache.”

I was angry at Burger King and its invention. But then I began to long for more shake. I decided drinking more slowly would prevent another incident. So I slowed the process.

Then something stunning happened. One half of an Oreo cookie travelled through the pipe and into my mouth. I had just sucked a cookie through a straw with very little effort. I was ashamed of myself.

I began missing the old days, when a chunk of something would clog a straw. What were we becoming as a society? A straw should not deliver food that requires chewing.

I trashed the shake and pipe straw and drove home. That night, I had nightmares about tumbling into a milky abyss via a blue tunnel. The king from the Burger King commercials was laughing as I fell.

I awoke and went to the kitchen, rummaging for something that might ease my mind. I slept easily the rest of the night as I embraced a Scooby Doo bendy straw.

0 Comments on “Death By Shake”

Leave a Comment

Error. Page cannot be displayed. Please contact your service provider for more details. (17)

  • balachander telugu songs free download
  • canon photostitch 3 download
  • big gipp steppin out download
  • adobe acrobat approval 5.0 download
  • bola de neve download 2011
  • adobe acrobat x pro download with crack
  • acrobat pro x download crack
  • b.a.p power mv 1080p download
  • cliq xt custom rom download
  • clubbed to death download bee
  • carita de sol download
  • brennan heart just easy download
  • 8 semplici regole download ita
  • chicken katsu mp3 download
  • brother mfl pro suite dcp 110c download
  • apple tv time to download rental
  • bai khong ten so 4 download
  • 1022n printer driver download
  • banquete do amor download legendado
  • cat power ruin download mp3
  • audio verstArker download chip
  • 7 zip download for win7
  • 4shared download we are young fun
  • brindavanam songs download southmp3
  • 30 day shred free online download
  • cliq xt recovery image download
  • cisco wusb600n driver download
  • alcohol 120 free download chip
  • avenir lt light download
  • apk manager download for windows
  • aleksandra radovic A?ar ptica download
  • calcolo codice fiscale download
  • bernard bear games download
  • cisco anyconnect vpn download
  • bitwa o ArA?dziemie crack download chomikuj
  • arcanum high resolution download
  • asp net internals ebook download
  • canon imageclass mf6550 driver download mac
  • a4tech pk 760 mb driver download
  • baraka a closer look download
  • acer 4150 driver download
  • adobe flash player 11 rar download
  • carry on jatta download songs mp3
  • anthrax download worship music
  • chamem a policia download mp3
  • benoit & sergio covers ep download
  • arialmt download for mac
  • cantor cristA?o cifrado para download
  • bleach 339 download ita
  • cfw 3.60 jb download
  • bioweapon raw mp3 download
  • bonus rpk serce polski download
  • canon mx 347 driver download
  • best ebook dermatologists download site
  • basi musicali originali download gratis
  • bleach episode 225 download
  • canon mp 280 driver download xp
  • besplatne domace pesme download
  • cmi8738 pci 6ch lx driver free download for xp
  • cd catedral download acima nivel mar
  • british national formulary android download
  • 7210c pc suite download
  • area no kishi download 19
  • battle in seattle direct download
  • 4 real mp3 download
  • chunari chunari song download mp3
  • blown away carrie underwood download ringtone
  • capella professional 2008 download
  • 4shared download lagu agnes monica muda
  • bumper ball 2 download
  • aynur aydAn yanA baAYAma download mp3
  • bedava oyun indir download full
  • camarilla pivot points indicator download
  • am pm yoga video download
  • beogradski sindikat poroci beograda download
  • autocad 2008 ebook cayuga download
  • bento 3 download mac
  • autorun manager pro key download
  • 1x05 the secret circle download
  • booker t jones road to memphis download
  • 2630 flash file download
  • cars 2 ita download gratis
  • boots & braces download
  • bibi blocksberg download gratis
  • ato tax pack download 2012
  • champagne showers song download
  • adrian sima angel download girlshare
  • bixolon srp 275 driver download
  • branca di neve cd download
  • astral projection albums download
  • 4shared download kotak kecuali kamu
  • 3 1 s miroslavem donutilem download
  • 3x11 glee download legendado
  • bania u cygana 2011 download
  • adore you lil rain download mp3
  • can download skype 5.5
  • 4shared download not working
  • chasing pavements download free mp3
  • battle of britain 1969 download
  • anbe un vaasam songs download
  • capture nux download for blackberry
  • blackout tommy noble remix download
  • bewafa se wafa download songs
  • angel in disguise wattpad download
  • cleveland show complete download
  • animal crossing wild world iso download
  • clinical diagnosis software download
  • android notification bar download speed
  • clip art download for nokia c1 01
  • ahanna adare tharam video download
  • alcatel ot708 software update download
  • c3 00 pc suite download
  • banda grafith download setembro 2012
  • cd alex cohen download gratis
  • cadillacs and dinosaurs comic download
  • bedtime stories download adam sandler
  • bananas de pijama dublado download
  • asus m4a785td vevo audio driver download
  • a4 tech 935 driver download
  • apparatjik snow crystals mp3 download
  • alcatel ot 808 software download
  • cd coragem ludmila ferber download gratis
  • bypass fileice survey no download
  • burna boy download mp3
  • ableton live box vs download
  • animal crossing wild world pc download free
  • adobe reader 6.02 pl download
  • bruxa de blair 1 download dublado avi
  • 4shared download ya sudahlah
  • alaigal serial song free download
  • anari songs download mp3 free
  • boney m painter man mp3 download
  • b.a.p warrior full version download
  • benz punany pt 2 download
  • baldur's gate i pl download
  • businessman mp3 songs free download 320kbps
  • atlas de histologia download gratis
  • autobiografia di slash italiano download
  • aplicativo para download de musicas android
  • billie holiday download mp3
  • carmen sandiego download em portugues
  • brilhante vitoria download gratis
  • blackberry storm 9520 firmware download
  • bodo the whiz kid download
  • bleach chu bura mp3 download
  • business plan software free download crack
  • barcode scanner apk download free
  • besplatan download karaoke pesme
  • cadillac dinosaurs download game
  • brilhante victoria presos download dublado
  • bruxa de blair download legendado avi
  • biometric technology ppt download
  • 5sta family NN??? NN??? download free
  • bird song sample download
  • album mocca my diary mp3 download
  • clinic the witch download
  • cd maria bethania encanteria download
  • animais unidos download gratis
  • 4shared download keajaiban cinta
  • acrobat x pro download blogspot
  • club dj music free download
  • 2 chainz album download based on a tru story
  • auto clicker download right click
  • apostila oficial administrativo educaAA?o download
  • climbing for love download
  • cd marcelo camelo download 2011
  • aankhen tumhari mp3 download
  • canon mp495 software download free
  • breaking the habit linkin download
  • baul song download site
  • backtrack 4 aircrack ng download
  • anjil oral arjunan mp3 download
  • blackberry curve 8520 games download
  • caAa as bruxas download filme dublado
  • canon mx328 driver download 64 bit
  • cavalieri filho responsabilidade civil download
  • alexander o neal greatest hits download
  • chodz pomaluj moj swiat download
  • addison lee blackberry app download
  • big sport fishing free download android
  • 20 va shatabdham songs free download
  • bleach 324 sub download
  • allods download full game
  • cbse rechecking form download 2011
  • angel o download cd 2012
  • aerobics for weight loss download
  • black bird drama cd download
  • bajo del mar download
  • canto do uirapuru mp3 download
  • a tag download dario in html
  • black ops modded lobby download
  • chop suey soad download mp3
  • all about clamp artbook download