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Temperatures Dip Below Witch Tit Level

And That’s Cold!

By Kip Dinkshaw
Meteorologist

The U.S. will be officially colder than a witch’s tit this week.

A witch’s tit, depending on the witch, is roughly 15 degrees Fahrenheit. Temperatures throughout the country, especially in the north and east, will fall below that mark - sometimes well below that mark.

Agnus McHaggy

Agnus McHaggy

I talked to one witch earlier today. Her name is Agnus McHaggy, and she confirmed the frigid cold.

“I walked outside this morning and said, ‘It’s colder than my tits!’” McHaggy said. “Within my witch circle, the other gals will say, ‘It’s colder than Agnus’ tits!’ That’s because my tits are especially cold, and I can truly say the temperatures now are much colder than my tits. And when someone with traditionally cold tits can feel the coldness of winter in her tits, it’s very uncomfortable.”

So bundle up, because it’ll be more than a week before temperatures go up.

Conditions could be worse, however. Although temperatures are colder than a witch’s tit, they are not yet colder than a penguin’s taint. That term - uncommon in much of the world - is often used in the coldest parts of the planet to describe the coldest of temperatures.

So while this weather can certainly be miserable, just remember it’s not going to be as cold as a penguin’s taint.

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