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Global Warming Brings Lovely November Weather

But Icy Hell on the Way!

By Kip Dinkshaw

Folks in the east have had some warm temperatures and sunny days the past week. They’re leaving their coats at home as global warming slowly devours the colder months. Climate change might be reeking havoc in the Arctic, but it means a nice walk outdoors for many in the U.S.

Don’t worry, though, winter-lovers! The globe’s incessant need for balance means terrible, horrifying weather is on the way. Expect sleet, hail and ice blasts during the coming weeks.

These Canada geese don't know what the hell's going on.

These Canada geese don't know what the hell's going on or where the hell they're going.

What’s an ice blast? That’s when freezing gusts of air and ice burst through the heavens. You’ll probably die immediately if hit by an ice blast. They’re awful. But it means great skiing!

When winter hell arrives, driving will be nearly impossible, not only because the roads will turn to ice, but also because the ice blasts will swipe cars from the roadways, sending their occupants into oncoming traffic and over hillsides. But again, the skiing should be fabulous.

Also look out for icicles. The temperamental weather months could mean icicles forming miles above and falling at high velocities. Pray to God one doesn’t hit you.

And don’t even ask what happens when icicles get caught in ice blasts. Let’s just say it would be a bloodbath. But the kids should be happy, because we’re looking at dozens of school cancellations!

For now, though, enjoy the warm weather. When the snow spiders arrive spewing icy venom, you’ll be wishing it was still November.

But the skiing, God, it’ll be great.

3 Comments on “Global Warming Brings Lovely November Weather”

  1. #1 Rosa Clondowski
    on Nov 14th, 2008 at 4:28 pm

    In Southern California, we don’t recognize the phrase “icy blast.” No — while you East Coasters freeze from the outside, in — we in the Golden State will burn in raging wildfires; walls of flame racing down hillsides, swallowing homes, destroying lives. But we get summer all year ’round so I guess it’s worth it.

  2. #2 Corey
    on Nov 15th, 2008 at 1:20 pm

    It’s been cold here in Louisiana. It actually got down into the mid 50s the other evening… but we have alligators and devils that can only be battled by Hilary Swank.

  3. #3 Mary Marantz
    on Nov 17th, 2008 at 2:21 pm

    LOL! Danny have you seen the happening yet? If you haven’t, rent it now!!! This post so reminded me of that! Well that and the day after tomorrow….that would explain all the strange weather we’ve been having!! Earth fights back, baby!

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