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Posts from ‘October, 2009’

State Hired Miners to Officiate Coal Bowl

Temp Refs Had Little Time to Learn Rules
By Charles Parachute
Sports Editor
MORGANTOWN, W.VA. - Organizers of the Friends of Coal Bowl - the annual football matchup between West Virginia University and Marshall University - might have taken the coal theme too far.
An anonymous source in West Virginia Gov. Joe Manchin’s office has confirmed the state allowed [...]

Trick or Gravy

Column
Candy is boring.
Kids know what to expect when they treat-or-treat - chocolate bars, suckers, gummies, etc. They grow uninterested in and apathetic toward the routine, resorting to other methods of fun, such as egging my car and mummifying me with toilet paper.
So I was left with a choice for this trick or treat night. Either [...]

Rush Limbaugh Opts to Buy NASCAR Team

Racing Could Be More Receptive to Bigot Than NFL
By Charlest Parachute
Sports Editor
DAYTONA BEACH, FLA. - Two days after a group hoping to purchase the NFL’s St. Louis Rams dropped Rush Limbaugh, the controversial radio personality announced he plans to buy a NASCAR team. He didn’t specify which team.
“I am determined to own some sort of [...]

Pour Autumn Down Your Throat

By Corky McRoberts
Wine Columnist
Around this time every year, you’ll start reading wine columns from pretentious pinheads about how autumn is perfect for reds or how autumn is perfect for whites. Chardonnay this, Cabernet that.
Boring!
As frequent readers of my column know, I know more than they do. What they might not know, however, is I know [...]

Michael Myers Opens Law Practice

Former Psychopathic Killer Passed Bar Exam This Year
By Donald McFarland
Staff Writer
CHARLESTON, W.VA. - Michael Myers, the infamous mass murderer from Haddonfield, Illinois, has opened a law firm in West Virginia with attorney Paul Perfater.
“I had doubts about Michael, considering his horrible history, but he has proven to me he is ready to join productive society,” Perfater [...]

Babe Has Swine Flu

Farmer Hoggett Plans to Put Down Pig
By Cynthia Stallion
Staff Writer
NEW SOUTH WALES, AUSTRALIA - Babe, the beloved pig, has contracted swine flu.
Farmer Arthur Hoggett said he has quarantined the animal, fearing the virus might spread to his sheep dogs and other animals.
“We all love Babe, of course, but I’m not sure many people have seen him since [...]

Emeril of the Pumpkin World

Column
Pumpkin donuts!
Nothing I saw at the Pumpkin Festival - not even the 1,500-pound vegetable that looked like the corpse of Linus’ Great Pumpkin - impressed me more than the revelation of making donuts from pumpkins.
I had tried the pumpkin rolls, the pumpkin ice cream, the pumpkin pie, the pumpkin bread, the pumpkin pancakes, the pumpkin [...]

Political Statement Mars Stop Sign

By Tina Roundhouse
Staff Writer
SOUTH CHARLESTON, W.VA. - Police say political activists attacked a stop sign in West Virginia, using Sharpees to write “Don’t” and “the funk” to form “Don’t STOP the funk.”
“We don’t know yet who did this, but a stop sign is no place for politics,” said Sgt. Randy Wright.
Funk supporters since the ’60s [...]

Your Horror-Scope

By Madam Stephano
Horoscope Writer
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23): You need a change of scenery, because the zombies are coming. Now is the best time for a fresh start, because the end of humanity is drawing near. Guard your brains!
Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21): Today is good day to meet some friends and catch up, because you really [...]

New ‘Lord of the Flies’ Theory Arises

Critic Says Swine Flu Killed Simon
By Cynthia Stallion
Staff Writer
NEW YORK CITY - Historians and literary experts are scrambling to discredit a new theory claiming swine flu played a role in a 1954 island incident described in the classic “Lord of the Flies.”
Robert Upton of New York City recently published an article suggesting the H1N1 strain existed when the [...]