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Posts from ‘May, 2009’

‘It’s Swine Flu!’ for Beggin’ Bits Dog

Sickness Forces Purina to Reveal Bacon Addiction
By Donald McFarland
Staff Writer
ST. LOUIS, MO - The Purina Beggin’ Strips mascot has contracted swine flu, presumably from eating bacon.
Hamlet the Beggin’ Dog first showed symptoms last week and is “progressively getting worse,” said Dr. Melanie Stafford.
“We do think he’ll eventually get better,” she said. “But he’s gotta lay [...]

‘This Little Piggy Gave You Swine Flu’

Advice Columnist
By Diggleby Bupp
Dear Diggleby,
Like many mothers, I like to play the “piggy game” with my children. I thought I could turn it into an educational tool. One night, I was playing with my son and said, “This little piggy went to the market. This little piggy went home. This little piggy had a peanut [...]

Animal Farm Pigs Offer Swine Flu Explanation

Napoleon Blames Snowball for Outbreak
By Cynthia Stallion
Staff Writer
MANOR FARM - The communist pig leaders of Manor Farm, once dubbed “Animal Farm,” have begun releasing statements regarding the swine flu.
“Obviously, we are worried humans would blame us pigs,” said Napoleon, general secretary of the Communist Party at the farm, in one release. “My comrades, however, include [...]

Papelbon Destroys Groin During Celebration

Pitcher’s Injury Exceeds Hernia
By Charles Parachute
Sports Editor
BOSTON - Boston Red Sox closer Jonathan Papelbon destroyed his groin last night while celebrating his latest save, this one against the Tampa Bay Rays.
“This is more than a hernia,” said Red Sox team physician Clark Giles. “He screamed so loudly and so hard, the groin actually ejected from [...]

Kermit D. Frog Has Swine Flu

Muppets Believe Virus Came from Miss Piggy
By Tina Roundhouse
Staff Writer
HOLLYWOOD, CA - Beloved Muppet Kermit D. Frog has contracted swine flu, Disney Corporation officials have announced.
“He’s handling it well,” said Stacy Cantlin, a Disney spokesperson. “He’s sure to make a full recovery.”
As the Cannon Newsletter reported last week, movie star Christina Ricci has the disease. [...]

Christina Ricci Contracts Swine Flu

First High Profile Case Reported
By Tina Roundhouse
Staff Writer
LOS ANGELES, CA - Christina Ricci, star of such films as The Adams Family, Monster and Sleepy Hollow, has contracted swine flu.
Ricci is the first celebrity affected by the virus.
Recent photos confirm she has grown a pig nose.
“We expect Ms. Ricci to make a full recovery,” a [...]