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Posts from ‘April, 2009’

Neville Brothers Battle Swine Flu

Neville Hopes Combined Vocals Will Match New Strain
By Donald McFarland
Staff Writer
BATON ROUGE, LA - Singer Aaron Neville is hoping his brothers can help him fight the swine flu.
As the Cannon Newsletter reported earlier this month, researchers at Louisiana State University had discovered Aaron Neville’s falsetto cures the common flu. Neville then planned a worldwide tour [...]

Experts Offer Technique for Dealing With Swine Flu Victims

Most Effective Method Is Shot to Head
By Cynthia Stallion
Staff Writer
As the swine flu continues to rip apart the nation, medical and law enforcement experts are offering instructions for people who encounter swine flu victims.
“In the interest of limiting and controlling the disease, we are suggesting a blow to the head,” said Sgt. Carl Franks of [...]

Everything in Piggly Wiggly is Infected with Swine Flu

Grocery Chain Has Unfortunate Connection with Pigs
By Tina Roundhouse
Staff Writer
MEMPHIS, TN - The Piggly Wiggly grocery store chain might have to shut down until the swine flu epidemic subsides, company officials said.
“Our mascot is a pig, and the store name is associated with swine,” said Peter O’Donnell, a Piggly Wiggly spokesperson. “If it was just [...]

Porky Pig Issues Ominous Statement

Cartoon’s Catch Phrase Might Be Connected to Swine Flu
By Donald McFarland
Staff Writer
HOLLYWOOD, CA - “That’s all folks!” It’s Porky the Pig’s famous catch phrase, but when he recently said those words, Homeland Security officials weren’t smiling.
“We’re received credible information that Porky the Pig is involved with the swine flu outbreak,” said a Department of Homeland [...]

Forecast: 100% Chance of Bitching

By Kip Dinkshaw
With erratic weather patterns, temperature changes and random rainfall, meteorologists agree on only one certainty: bitching.
Looking at the East Coast this week, people are complaining about the rain and cold temperatures. And if it does snow, the bitching will increase.
Out west, people this week will be bitching about cooler weather, while people [...]

Aaron Neville’s Falsetto Cures Flu

Vocalist Eager to Sing for Millions of Sufferers
By Donald McFarland
Staff Writer
BATON ROUGE, LA - Researchers at Louisiana State University say they have discovered a cure for the influenza virus, or the flu.
The discovery came after famed blues singer Aaron Neville met with and presented a theory to the researchers. Neville hypothesized cacao butter, which the [...]

Shocker: Yellow is Big This Spring

Just Like Every Damn Spring
By Mitzy Higinbotham
Fashion Editor
Models are strutting down the runways in Milan, New York, London and Paris as designers reveal their newest spring fashions. They all, of course, love the yellows, light blues and pinks.
Yes, it’s springtime, and we must wear light, bright colors so we can be light and bright like the [...]

Bush Apologizes for Mistakes

Former President Begins ‘Journey to Atonement’
By Bartholomew Watson
Political Analyst
CRAWFORD, TX - The Cannon Newsletter this week received a shocking call from former President George W. Bush requesting an interview more than two months after leaving office.
We traveled to his Texas ranch for the meeting early this morning.
“I’ve had a lot of time to think about [...]