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Posts from ‘January, 2009’

What Would Jesus Do If His Water Hose Broke?

SOUTH CHARLESTON, WV - Nova Rubber Company is touting a very prominent customer in its placemat ad.
The company, which boasts an ability to “duplicate and repair all types of hoses,” states Jesus saves by doing business with Nova.
Apparently turning water to wine isn’t a problem, but finding a way to distribute the wine with a [...]

Bush Administration Blamed for Removing Zero Keys in White House

Sources Believe Former President Meant to Take “O” Keys
By Tina Roundhouse
Staff Writer
WASHINGTON DC - President Obama and his staff were apparently victims of a confused prank.
As the new administration this week moved into the White House, staff discovered all the computers were missing zero keys.
Unnamed sources believe former President George W. Bush was inspired by [...]

Inauguration Poet Has Hard Act to Follow

Alexander’s Poem Sounds Like ‘Nursery Rhyme’ Following Obama’s Speech
By Cynthia Stallion
Staff Writer
WASHINGTON DC - Elizabeth Alexander, poet for President Obama’s inauguration ceremony today, felt she was asked to do the impossible.
“When I arrived today a few hours before the ceremony, I saw the schedule events and noticed I was going to read right after Obama’s [...]

Bush: The Final Interview

                                                                                                 1 Day Till the End of an Error
As President George W. Bush prepares to leave office after two turbulent terms, the Cannon Newsletter managed to get a few minutes of his hectic schedule. Below is the transcript of Bush’s final interview with the Cannon Newsletter as president.
CNL - Thank you for taking a few [...]

Trendy Phrases Announced for 2009

‘Swank Tamale’ Tops List
By Donald McFarland
Staff Writer
NEW YORK CITY - The Popular Slang Association of America (PSAA) has released its top 10 trendy phrases of 2009.
“Swank Tamale” tops the list this year.
“It’s pretty much used for anything very positive, anything that’s really awesome,” said Cherry Roland, PSAA president. “The word ’swank’ is already associated with [...]

USC’s Sanchez Opts for NFL Draft

Coach Calls Decision ‘Dirty’
By Charles Parachute
Sports Editor
LOS ANGELES - University of Southern California quarterback Mark Sanchez has announced he is entering the NFL draft, a decision Coach Pete Carroll called “dirty.”
“We didn’t see eye to eye on it, and I think it’s dirty that he didn’t trust me more and went forward with it anyway,” [...]

One Child Left Behind, One President Right Befuddled

                      
                                                                                     6 Days Till the End of an Error
By Donald McFarland
Staff Writer
LANCASTER, PA - White House officials have confirmed a child has been left behind, contradicting the Bush Administration’s No Child Left Behind Act, the public education reform legislation Congress passed in 2001.
“We want to emphasize how successful the legislation has been,” White House Press [...]

Temperatures Dip Below Witch Tit Level

And That’s Cold!
By Kip Dinkshaw
Meteorologist
The U.S. will be officially colder than a witch’s tit this week.
A witch’s tit, depending on the witch, is roughly 15 degrees Fahrenheit. Temperatures throughout the country, especially in the north and east, will fall below that mark - sometimes well below that mark.
I talked to one witch earlier today. Her [...]

Cannon Newsletter Opens D.C. Bureau

By Tina Roundhouse
Staff Writer
WASHINGTON DC - The Cannon Newsletter - which operates the Cannon Blog - has opened a bureau in the nation’s capital. The office sits across the street from Congress.
“Our publication has been tackling political issues for years, so it only made sense to have a permanent presence in D.C.,” said the newsletter editor, [...]

Texas Residents Prepare for Bushville

                                                  
18 Days Till the End of an Error
By Rosa Clondowski
Contributing Writer
CRAWFORD, TX - With the two-term presidency of George W. Bush mercifully coming to an end, people in Texas are getting nervous.
“We know he’s planning on coming back here,” said Buck Walter, a lifelong resident of Crawford, Texas, and owner of Buck’s Pitt Stop, a [...]