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Posts from ‘December, 2008’

Webster’s Dictionary Redefines ‘Bush’

25 Days Till the End of an Error
By Rosa Clondowski
Contributing Writer
WASHINGTON DC - The Board of Directors at Webster’s Dictionary have voted to add a new definition under the word “bush.”
“I think after surviving the past eight years, it’s the least we can do for Americans,” said Dee Spelling, chairman of the board. “The new [...]

Yes, Virginia, There Is …

Part 4 of 4
And so we conclude another “WalMart Christmas!” We hope you’ve enjoyed these heartwarming scenes.
Until next year, Merry Christmas!
Two men are in the automotive department. They notice an employee walking by toward the toy section.
One man says, “Hey, buddy, do you work here?”
The employee answers, “Not in this department. I’m trying to locate [...]

Do You Hear What I Hear?

Part 3 of 4
We continue today the third act of this year’s “WalMart Christmas.” Again, everything that follows actually happened.
A mother is pushing a cart through the Christmas decorations aisle. Her young son is sitting in the cart.
The son begins, “Will you …?”
The mother interrupts, “When you ask me to do something, you’re asking me to [...]

Deck the Halls With …

Part 2 of 4
We continue this year’s edition of “A WalMart Christmas” with seven more entries.
Again, everything below really happened. Enjoy!
Two women are in the food section. One is riding a Rascal-style scooter. They walk/drive past the syrup.
The woman on the Rascal says, “I don’t need any syrup. I have a bottle at home. [...]

It’s Time Again to Celebrate …

Part 1 of 4
One of the Cannon Newsletter’s most popular and most requested features - “A WalMart Christmas” - is back with a whole new set of Christmas scenes from America’s favorite store!
Our staff visited a WalMart near you and listened to conversations happening throughout the store. Each snipet, although it might be hard to [...]

President Credits ‘Matrix’ for Shoe Dodging

                                                                                 36 Days Till the End of an Error
By Bartholomew Watson
Political Analyst
BAGHDAD, IRAQ - President Bush only hours after ducking a pair of shoes during a Baghdad news conference already was laughing about a joke he’d come up with following the incident.
“Usually I’m dodging questions, but this time, I was dodging shoes,” Bush said, snickering.
An [...]

Crazy Weather Could Breed Crazy People

Erratic Conditions Screw with Seasonal Affective Disorder
By Kip Dinkshaw
Many folks in the east might be enjoying the strange, spring-like weather today before the increasingly cold wind and rain come tomorrow.
Some, though, might be on a emotional roller coaster.
Seasonal affective disorder (SAD) is a mood disorder that strikes many during the darker, colder months. What happens, though, when [...]

Grinch Seen Lurking in Area Malls

Creature Plans Return as Economy Tanks
By Rosa Clondowski
Contributing Writer
SAN DIEGO, CA - With a financial crisis in the U.S. and a worldwide recession at hand, the Grinch is looking forward to a big comeback this holiday season.
“He’s been doing laps at the Y, watching what he eats and getting more sleep to get ready,” said [...]

Bush: ‘Bin Laden Might Have Escaped on Polar Express’

                                                                                              46 Days Till the End of an Error
By Bartholomew Watson
Political Analyst
WASHINGTON DC - After years of trying to locate Osama bin Laden, President Bush has a new theory about the terrorist’s whereabouts.
“Bin Laden might have escaped on the Polar Express,” Bush said.
Bush recently watched the film version of the famous children’s book and began [...]

Rogue Elf Terrorizes Santa’s Workshop

Dewdrop’s Lawyer Says Elf Is Crying Out for Help
By Rosa Clondowski
Contributing Writer
NORTH POLE - A crime wave has hit the North Pole, and with Christmas less than one month away, the timing couldn’t be worse.
In an exclusive interview with the Cannon Newsletter, Chris Kringle said, “I cannot express how dissapointed I am. Toys smashed, pots [...]