By Donald McFarland
Staff Writer

BATON ROUGE, LA - Louisiana is taking the glass-half-full approach, even if the glass is half full of crude oil.

“We’ve had some bad luck over the past few years, so it’s time to be optimistic and turn tragedy into something that might actually help the region,” said Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal.

That’s why the tourism departments in Louisiana, Florida and Texas are partnering to market the Gulf of Mexico as “America’s Dead Sea.”

The obvious connection might be “death,” since the expanding oil spill is killing so many creatures and destroying the Western Hemisphere.

The tourism departments, however, are not building this campaign on death.

The Dead Sea, located near Israel, is famous for its high salt density, which allows visitors to easily float in its waters. Similarly, the high crude density in the Gulf would also allow tourists to float.

“Salt and crude oil are different,” said Dr. Philip Compton, a medical examiner in Tallahassee, Fla. “Salt won’t kill swimmers, but crude oil might, especially if you consume some of it. You shouldn’t swim in crude oil. It’s stupid, and I can’t believe I’m even discussing this.”

Medical science, though, isn’t deterring efforts to boost tourism in the wake of disaster.

“Sure, you shouldn’t drink it, but you shouldn’t drink salt water either, and nobody’s complaining about the dangers of ‘normal oceans,’” said Jim Hutchinson, assistant secretary at the Louisiana Office of Tourism. “All we’re saying is that if you might enjoy swimming in the Dead Sea, you might just want to save money by staying in the U.S. and swimming in our Dead Sea.”

The tourism departments are working with marketing firms as they decide whether or not to stick with the term “America’s Dead Sea.”

“We’ve been discussing various names, but a lot of words associated with oil, like ‘crude’ and ‘toxic,’ aren’t attractive,” Hutchinson explained. “We’ve considered ‘Sea of Darkness,’ because that’s not so bad, but for now we’re sticking with ‘America’s Dead Sea: Where the Therapeutic Value of Oil Is Just a Wade Away.”

Compton was further annoyed: “There is no therapeutic value in oil. They can’t just say that because the other Dead Sea offers therapeutic value. This idea is really dumb.”

In response, British Petroleum, which is responsible for the mass destruction, issued this statement: “Again, we are really, really, really sorry. We are saddened by the affect this has had on coastal states, and we are working to clean up the waters as soon as possible while issuing really, really, really large sums of money to those hurt by the incident. But, for the love of God, do not swim in the oil slicks.”

Donald McFarland

LONDON - British Petroleum, which for weeks has been attempting to stop the oil gush that is polluting the Gulf of Mexico and U.S. coasts, revealed today that Robert Green, the goalie for England’s World Cup soccer team, has been in charge of stopping the leak.

“We now understand that was a mistake,” said Bob Dudley, BP’s managing director. “Robert has trouble stopping things.”

That was evident Saturday, when Green allowed a roller through his hands, resulting in the only goal for the U.S. The game ended in a tie.

BP officials wouldn’t comment when asked why they would put a soccer goalie in charge of stopping an oil leak.

Photos obtained by the Cannon Blog show Green, wearing Mickey Mouse-like gloves, at a control panel and making marks on some sort of blueprint.

In an exclusive interview with the Cannon Blog, Green said he takes responsibility for allowing through both the soccer ball and the continuing rush of black death.

“I just need to keep my eye on the ball and get in front of the leak,” he said. “They teach you that at soccer camp and in engineering school. Block with your body.”

In fact, however, BP ended its relationship with Green when he proposed actually using his body to stop the leak.

“While he certainly is a skilled goalie and has very large gloves, we don’t feel that will solve the problem, at least not in the long-run,” Dudley said.

Green’s other ideas for stopping the leak have included the “top kill” strategy, flooding the pipe with mud and inserting golf balls in the opening.

“In hindsight, we should have stopped working with Robert when he came up with the golf ball idea,” Dudley said. “I mean, what the bloody hell? Golf balls?”

Green actually has a lengthy resume of trying to stop things. He has attempted to stop the flow of illegal immigrants from Mexico to the U.S., cocaine trafficking from South America to the U.S. and global warming.

Indeed, Saturday’s World Cup match was the first time a Green failure benefited the U.S.

Green still has burn scars from childhood, when his sweater caught fire and he failed to stop before dropping and rolling.

By Donald McFarland
Staff Writer

Jed Clampett, the famous Beverly Hills millionaire, has shot a hole in the bottom of the Gulf of Mexico, releasing a gush of oil that is creating a massive oil slick on the surface.

Workers on the nearby British Petroleum oil rig Deep Horizon reported an explosion, which likely was Clampett’s shotgun. The rig sank following the incident. So, actually the explosion was probably the rig blowing up.

Clampett struck gold several decades ago after a similar incident, when he shot at an animal and discovered oil. This time, though, the results could be devastating.

“I was just shootin’ at some food, and then up through the ocean came a bubblin’ crude,” Clampett said. He apparently was vacationing on a boat and shooting at fish.

Clampett

Spencer Kohn, a worker on a rig, said he yelled, “Jed, move away from there!” when he spotted Clampett firing into the water.

“I can’t believe the shot reached the ocean floor and blew a hole in the well,” Kohn said.

“I’m real sorry about the devastation,” Clampett said. “But you keep what you shoot, and I want that oil.”

BP officials responded, saying Clampett cannot have the oil leaking into the ocean water just because he accidently released it.

“The oil still belongs to BP, and …. oh, shit. I shouldn’t have said that,” said a BP spokesperson.

Detectives Say Culprit Would Have to Be ‘Inhumanly Powerful’

By Charles Parachute
Sports Editor

MORGANTOWN, W.VA. - Police are looking for the person - or thing - who threw a coin at University of Pittsburgh assistant basketball coach Tom Herrion during the team’s loss to West Virginia University.

According to reports, the area beneath Herrion’s eye was “visibly bruised.” Replays show the coin apparently ricocheting upward before hitting Herrion’s face.

“The amount of power it would take to cause a bruise with a coin, especially after a ricochet, is incredible,” said one investigator who declined to be identified. “This morning, I was standing five feet from one of my officers and throwing quarters at his face. They didn’t really leave a mark. I think whoever threw the coin from a further distance couldn’t have been human.”

Investigators are gathering a list of those who could have thrown a coin at such a velocity. According to an early draft of the list obtained by the Cannon Blog, the suspects include the Incredible Hulk, the Terminator and Mark McGwire.

Assistant coach Tom Herrion right after the Coin Incident of 2010.

Reporters are presuming the coin came from WVU’s rowdy crowd, although video doesn’t confirm exactly from where the coin came. After Herrion was struck, his head jerked backward. He then kept rubbing and pointing at the spot on his face so as many people as possible would notice.

“I couldn’t sleep last night,” Herrion said today. “I just kept seeing the coin as it rocketed at my face. I’m lucky to be alive. I’m glad this incident is capturing so many headlines, because it’s extremely important. And I hope whoever did it is caught soon, because who knows what kind of coin he’ll throw next. Can you imagine what would happen if he threw a silver dollar?”

“The Coin Incident of 2010″ followed an eventful evening at the Colliseum in Morgantown. Fans already had thrown objects on the floor, and players came close to a fight. During the week leading up to the game, WVU officials were asking students to stop using profanity during games.

As investigators track down the mythical creature with an ability to throw coins at hundreds of miles an hour, they also are examining the possibility of a second coin-thrower.

“The trajectory doesn’t make sense,” the source said. “If his head flipped backward, how could it have come from a fan seated near the Pitt bench? While there might have been a thrower in that area, we think a second thrower was seated elsewhere in the arena. After all, lots of people there had coins.”

By Tina Roundhouse
Staff Writer

Jay-Z

NEW YORK CITY - According to four sources, hip hop mogul Jay-Z earlier this month purchased music and television star Miley Cyrus and then sold her to Chinese businessman Zhou Rongkun.

One source said Jay-Z did not appreciate Cyrus using his name in the hit song “Party in the USA.”

The thoughtful, poignant lyrics describe Cyrus riding in a cab when “a Jay-Z song was on. And a Jay-Z song was on. And a Jay-Z song was on.”

Cyrus did not ask Jay-Z’s permission to use his name.

According to financial documents obtained by the Cannon Blog, Jay-Z purchased Miley Cyrus from her father, Billy Ray Cyrus, for $3.2 million and the rights to use a Rhiana song in Billy Ray Cyrus’ new movie, “The Spy Next Door.”

Cyrus

A day later, Jay-Z sold Cyrus to Rongkun for roughly $4.9 million.

The Cannon Blog attempted to contact Jay-Z, and shockingly he answered the phone:

“I don’t give a f*** what he does with her,” Jay-Z said. “I handled my business. It was like selling stock, except I was selling a no-talent brat to a Chinese guy. That’s what happens when you use my name in a stupid-ass dance song. That’s the moral, bi-atch. Now I’m back down to 99 problems.”

Fox News radio and television show host Glenn Beck has won the Cannon Newsletter’s first ever Douche Bucket of the Year Award.

It was a narrow victory, but Beck received a few more first-place votes than the other nominees, which included Rush Limbaugh, South Carolina Rep. Joe Wilson and Perez Hilton.

The Douche Bucket Award is similar to the Heisman Trophy college football, as it honors the biggest douche during the past year.

“Beck unleashed a tirade on one listener for her views on health care, called President Obama a racist and congratulated himself for helping a guest who passed out on his television show,” said commentator Kurt Bagley, one of the Douche Bucket voters. “He clearly was douche of the year.”

Another voter, Hillary Wise, cited Beck’s book “The Christmas Sweater,” even though it hit shelves in 2008.

“The effects carried on into 2009,” she said. “What a God-awful, piece-of-crap, pretentious, badly-written, sentimentalist, stupid, migraine-inducing, terrible, disgusting book.”

Bagley said Beck’s accomplishments in 2009 weren’t the only reasons Beck received the award.

“If you watch Glenn Beck, you notice a palpable douche-ness about him,” he said. “I mean, you’re just sitting there listening to him and you think, ‘Wow, this guy is a real douche.’ I think his general douche personality helped him get this award.”

Before moving to Fox News, Beck was a commentator at CNN, and Beck’s opinions there seemed moderate. At one point, he even said the U.S. health care system is broken. At Fox, however, Beck has slid to the right and has displayed psychopathic tendencies.

Beck had some tough competition, especially from Limbaugh, who in 2009 called President Obama an “angry black guy,” said the president’s economic policy equals reparations and suggested black children now feel free to beat up white children because Obama is president.

“We’re kind of used to Limbaugh’s racism,” Wise said. “I think Beck’s racism was more startling because it started suddenly. If we ever have a Lifetime Douche Achievement Award, I’m sure Rush will get some recognition then.”

By Charles Parachute
Sports Editor

WVU Head Coach Bill Stewart yells at a coal miner whom he believed to be a referee.

MORGANTOWN, W.VA. - Organizers of the Friends of Coal Bowl - the annual football matchup between West Virginia University and Marshall University - might have taken the coal theme too far.

An anonymous source in West Virginia Gov. Joe Manchin’s office has confirmed the state allowed coal miners to officiate the Oct. 17 game. That could explain some of the almost unbelievably bad calls. The referees assigned incorrect penalty yards and at one point awarded possession to the wrong team. An overriding sense of confusion amongst the refs was palpable.

“The Friends of Coal group comes up with ideas every year, and this year, they wanted to include coal miners,” the source said. “The state agreed to have miners officiate the game. The actual refs, meanwhile, were - apparently against their will - given a tour of a Mingo County coal mine.”

The source said school officials at both Marshall and WVU were unaware the referees were coal miners.

“Obviously, that’s why they weren’t aware of some of the rules and seemed confused at times,” the source said. “You really have to know your stuff to be a football referee. It would be like asking an insurance salesman to perform surgery. The insurance guy would probably screw up.”

The Friends of Coal Bowl - one of the only sporting events in the world named after a political interest group - started four years ago when the state of West Virginia brokered a deal to have the two state schools play for seven straight years. The winner of two of the first three matchups would be home team for the fourth game, which is why this year’s was in Morgantown. WVU ended up winning 24 to 7.

“It’s a really weird situation,” the source said. “It’s something of a gimmick. It doesn’t simply switch sites every year like a normal football series. For some reason, it’s called a ‘bowl.’ And a lobbying group has its name attached to it. It’s no wonder something crazy like having coal miners officiate would happen.”

Candy is boring.

Kids know what to expect when they treat-or-treat - chocolate bars, suckers, gummies, etc. They grow uninterested in and apathetic toward the routine, resorting to other methods of fun, such as egging my car and mummifying me with toilet paper.

So I was left with a choice for this trick or treat night. Either I could fortify my home and fight back with a pellet gun or I could change my offering. I abandoned Snickers and Jelly Bellies. I embraced Jimmy Dean’s sausages-wrapped-in-pancakes-on-sticks, offering the original version, blueberry and chocolate chip.

I planned to situate the treats on a serving platter and have bowls of gravy and syrup for dipping.

My mistake was telling my spiteful neighbor Delmar about my plan. The next day, he revealed to me he, too, was planning to offer sausages and pancakes on sticks to treat-or-treaters, and on top of that, he would be handing out Hot Pockets.

“I’m just going to sit the microwave on the porch with heating instructions,” Delmar said. Delmar can be very malicious and unpleasant.

Our rivalry reminds me of the competition between Bob Evans and Kentucky Fried Chicken. That began when KFC introduced its “Famous Bowl,” which included mashed potatoes, fried chicken, corn, gravy and cheese, effectively mixing together its entire menu and removing one step from the digestion process. (KFC later made the dish more appealing by shoving a biscuit in the concoction.)

Bob Evans reacted with its Knife and Fork Sandwich, which had a scoop of mashed potatoes, gravy and pulled pork piled on toast.

And so is the battle between Delmar and me.

“Guess what I’m doing,” I said to Delmar with a smirk. “I’m going to mix mashed potatoes, hamburger, pepperoni, cheese and potato chips together in a big vat and leave it out for trick-or-treaters.”

The next day: “I bought a trough from a farmer,” Delmar told me with a sleazy little scoff. “I’m going to fill it with gravy, scalloped potatoes, green beans, baked beans and popcorn shrimp.”

I responded immediately.

“Well, I’ve added éclairs to my recipe,” I gloated. “I’m sticking éclairs in the middle of the mashed potatoes. And before I do that, I’m going to inject them with frosting and butter.”

Delmar just had to one-up me.

“I’m going to build a diving board for my trough!” he exclaimed.

“Really?” I responded. “Well, I’m going to have a tub of gravy with apples floating in it. And the kids can stick their faces in the gravy to get the apples! And biscuits! They can bob for biscuits in the tub of gravy.”

“I’m going to dump caramel on them!” Delmar yelled.

This went on for a few more minutes, and then I began working frantically to uphold my claims, smashing potatoes, mixing gravy and hunting woodland creatures for their various meats.

When trick-or-treaters came to my house Oct. 30, they thought they’d encountered a Golden Corral on steroids.

And I bet Delmar was wishing he’d just stuck with Junior Mints.

By Charlest Parachute
Sports Editor

Limbaugh

DAYTONA BEACH, FLA. - Two days after a group hoping to purchase the NFL’s St. Louis Rams dropped Rush Limbaugh, the controversial radio personality announced he plans to buy a NASCAR team. He didn’t specify which team.

“I am determined to own some sort of sporting franchise,” Limbaugh said this morning on his show. “The NASCAR fanbase thus far seems to be the only fan-base receptive to the idea.”

Dave Checketts, owner of the National Hockey League’s St. Louis Blues, had included Limbaugh in an effort to buy the Rams, but the reaction to the potential bid was negative and loud. Some NFL players said they would not play for a team partly owned by a blatant racist (Limbaugh), and some owners in the league said they would vote against the purchase.

“This is not about the NFL, this is not about the St. Louis Rams, this is not about me,” Limbaugh said after the group dumped him. “This is about the ongoing effort by the left in this country …” To paraphrase, he blamed liberals, saying this incident somehow affects the future of the United States.

Over the past couple of days, sources say, Limbaugh looked into possibly buying NBA and MLB franchises. But thoses leagues have lots of black and Hispanic players, so that wouldn’t work. He even looked into buying a hockey team, but many of those players are foreign.

“He had to find people who would accept a bigot with racist viewpoints and an addiction to Oxycontin,” said sports commentator Colin Phillips. “NASCAR became the logical option.”

Limbaugh has called President Obama an “angry black guy,” said the president’s economic policy equals reparations and suggested black children now feel free to beat up white children because Obama is president. In 2003, Limbaugh had to resign from ESPN after saying Donavan McNabb received preferential treatment because he is black. Limbaugh actually has made hundreds of racist comments, more than this article will hold.

“The blacks have taken over sports, just as they have the White House, and they want white people to be scared,” Limbaugh said. “Well, I’m not scared. NASCAR has become the only sport safe from liberals and safe from those who notice skin color. I am color-blind, believe it or not. The only black and white I see are on that checkered flag. So until some black guy learns to drive a NASCAR, I guess everyone will be fine with me owning a sports franchise in this ‘free’ nation.”

Around this time every year, you’ll start reading wine columns from pretentious pinheads about how autumn is perfect for reds or how autumn is perfect for whites. Chardonnay this, Cabernet that.

Boring!

As frequent readers of my column know, I know more than they do. What they might not know, however, is I know more than other wine columnists, too. They can sniff, swirl, taste and spit all they want, but they’re still wine-tards.

If you really want to get a taste of autumn, try these wines:

Three Lakes Pumpkin Wine - This splendid flavor comes from Wisconsin, which is best known for its cheese wine. This wine, though, comes from stomping on, as well as carving, pumpkins. If you pay close attention, you can detect feet and rust aromas.

But of course, the main flavor is pumpkin spice. “It’s the Drunk Pumpkin, Charlie Brown!” It’s as if Three Lakes fermented Starbucks’ pumpkin spice latte. I imagine the urine from various woodland creatures who made pit stops in the pumpkin patch triggered the fermentation, but Three Lakes continued the process quite nicely.

Imagine pouring a fine Riesling into a pumpkin shell, setting the pumpkin outside for all of October until it rots then drinking the wine directly from the pumpkin. That’s the magical feeling you get from drinking this selection. Enjoy!

Oak Leaf Cabernet Sauvignon - Oak Leaf isn’t just the brand; it’s the overriding flavor.

This wine sells at Wal-Mart for something like 89 cents a bottle. It’s a steal! What better taste for the fall season than dead leaves?

Indeed, the Walton family has taken bags and bags of dead leaves - not all of them from oak trees, mind you - and has come up with a very distinct flavor. The idea came when one of the Walton cousins - one they don’t speak of often - spilled a bottle of cab on the autumn ground and in a fit of panic began slurping it up before it soaked fully into the soil.

Angus Walton loved the flavor, so he snuck into the Oak Leaf facility and began dumping leaves into the barrels. Rather than dump the ruined wine, Oak Leaf officials decided to market it as cab.

Ignore the bits of leaves and enjoy the bliss of taking in the autumn ground.

Boone’s Farm Apple Blossom - This is like caramel apples in a bottle. It’s also like all sorts of apple candy dumped into the same bottle.

If you deal well with migraine headaches, try the supple Boone’s flavor. It’s like an apple-tini spilled into a bag of sugar and drowned a fairy - it’s that sweet.

But, as always, a warning: Boone’s products do not stay down. You will throw it up soon after consumption, so have a bucket handy.

Try this selection with Apple Jacks cereal. It also goes well with expired pork chops and apple sauce, as it kills any fungus or virus. Enjoy!