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Posts under ‘News’

Southern States Market Gulf as ‘America’s Dead Sea’

Health Officials Disagree with Campaign Assertions
By Donald McFarland
Staff Writer
BATON ROUGE, LA - Louisiana is taking the glass-half-full approach, even if the glass is half full of crude oil.
“We’ve had some bad luck over the past few years, so it’s time to be optimistic and turn tragedy into something that might actually help the region,” said [...]

BP Reveals Goalie Was In Charge of Stopping Leak

By Donald McFarland
Staff Writer
LONDON - British Petroleum, which for weeks has been attempting to stop the oil gush that is polluting the Gulf of Mexico and U.S. coasts, revealed today that Robert Green, the goalie for England’s World Cup soccer team, has been in charge of stopping the leak.
“We now understand that was a mistake,” [...]

Jed Clampett Shoots Hole in Gulf of Mexico

Explosion, Oil slick follow
By Donald McFarland
Staff Writer
Jed Clampett, the famous Beverly Hills millionaire, has shot a hole in the bottom of the Gulf of Mexico, releasing a gush of oil that is creating a massive oil slick on the surface.
Workers on the nearby British Petroleum oil rig Deep Horizon reported an explosion, which likely was [...]

Jay-Z Sells Miley Cyrus to Shanghai Businessman

Rapper Cites Misuse of Name
By Tina Roundhouse
Staff Writer
NEW YORK CITY - According to four sources, hip hop mogul Jay-Z earlier this month purchased music and television star Miley Cyrus and then sold her to Chinese businessman Zhou Rongkun.
One source said Jay-Z did not appreciate Cyrus using his name in the hit song “Party in the [...]

Glenn Beck Wins Douche Bucket of the Year Award

By Donald McFarland
Staff Writer
Fox News radio and television show host Glenn Beck has won the Cannon Newsletter’s first ever Douche Bucket of the Year Award.
It was a narrow victory, but Beck received a few more first-place votes than the other nominees, which included Rush Limbaugh, South Carolina Rep. Joe Wilson and Perez Hilton.
The Douche Bucket Award [...]

Rush Limbaugh Opts to Buy NASCAR Team

Racing Could Be More Receptive to Bigot Than NFL
By Charlest Parachute
Sports Editor
DAYTONA BEACH, FLA. - Two days after a group hoping to purchase the NFL’s St. Louis Rams dropped Rush Limbaugh, the controversial radio personality announced he plans to buy a NASCAR team. He didn’t specify which team.
“I am determined to own some sort of [...]

Michael Myers Opens Law Practice

Former Psychopathic Killer Passed Bar Exam This Year
By Donald McFarland
Staff Writer
CHARLESTON, W.VA. - Michael Myers, the infamous mass murderer from Haddonfield, Illinois, has opened a law firm in West Virginia with attorney Paul Perfater.
“I had doubts about Michael, considering his horrible history, but he has proven to me he is ready to join productive society,” Perfater [...]

Babe Has Swine Flu

Farmer Hoggett Plans to Put Down Pig
By Cynthia Stallion
Staff Writer
NEW SOUTH WALES, AUSTRALIA - Babe, the beloved pig, has contracted swine flu.
Farmer Arthur Hoggett said he has quarantined the animal, fearing the virus might spread to his sheep dogs and other animals.
“We all love Babe, of course, but I’m not sure many people have seen him since [...]

Political Statement Mars Stop Sign

By Tina Roundhouse
Staff Writer
SOUTH CHARLESTON, W.VA. - Police say political activists attacked a stop sign in West Virginia, using Sharpees to write “Don’t” and “the funk” to form “Don’t STOP the funk.”
“We don’t know yet who did this, but a stop sign is no place for politics,” said Sgt. Randy Wright.
Funk supporters since the ’60s [...]

New ‘Lord of the Flies’ Theory Arises

Critic Says Swine Flu Killed Simon
By Cynthia Stallion
Staff Writer
NEW YORK CITY - Historians and literary experts are scrambling to discredit a new theory claiming swine flu played a role in a 1954 island incident described in the classic “Lord of the Flies.”
Robert Upton of New York City recently published an article suggesting the H1N1 strain existed when the [...]