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Posts under ‘News’

Clint Eastwood Speaks with Manti Te’o’s Girlfriend

By Donald MacFarland
Staff Writer
LOS ANGELES - Film icon Clint Eastwood today told reporters he has spoken to Notre Dame football player Manti Te’o’s girlfriend following this week’s revelation she does not exist.
“I contacted her, and we met in person,” Eastwood said. “Then I sat her down in a chair, and we had a long conversation.” [...]

God Votes to Suspend Campaigns

By Tina Roundhouse
Staff Writer
WASHINGTON D.C. – God has reportedly voted early, sending hurricanes and blizzards to stop political campaigns until further notice.

The severe weather forced President Obama to return to Washington, D.C., and challenger Mitt Romney to stop talking.
Power outages, meanwhile, silenced the ceaseless political commercial rotation. Mail delivery delays could mean many [...]

Hurricane Blizzard Hell Storm Leaves Some Unconvinced

By Donald McFarland
Staff Writer
As Hurricane Sandy barrels toward the East Coast, bringing strong winds, the threat of major flooding and, somehow, October blizzards, some are questioning the existence of global warming.
“Blizzards are cold,” said Congressman John Shimkus of Illinois. “How can this be about global warming if it’s cold.”
Warm air holds more water vapor than [...]

Republicans Fight ‘Dark Voting’

By Donald McFarland
Staff Writer
HARRISBURG, PA. – As the November election approaches, some states are taking tougher stances against voter fraud.
Pennsylvania recently joined several states with strict voter ID laws requiring citizens to show identification before voting. Often, states require photo IDs, such as driver’s licenses, passports and IDs created specifically for elections.
Critics [...]

Romney Perfects Stand-up Routine

By Chance Breckenridge
Political Reporter
TAMPA, Fla. – Mitt Romney, the presumptive Republican presidential nominee, said today he was “only joking” when he said the U.S. would achieve energy independence by 2020.
“I mean, come on, that’s ridiculous,” he said.
Romney last week released his energy plan, which said the country could be producing 28 billion barrels [...]

GOP Receives Support from Rapists

By Chance Breckenridge
Political Reporter
WASHINGTON D.C. – Rapists across the country are uniting behind the Republican Party after Rep. Todd Akin, R-Missouri, suggested on Sunday a woman’s reproductive organs could sense rape and prevent pregnancy naturally.

“We finally have a voice in the political arena,” said Mark Jallenhover, president of the National Rapists Association (NRA). “It’s [...]

Rep. Akin Confuses Vaginas with Parking Meters

By Chance Breckenridge
Political Reporter
ST. LOUIS - Rep. Todd Akin, R-Missouri, apologized today after comments he made Sunday regarding rape, saying he had confused the female anatomy with parking meters.

“If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down,” he said during the Sunday broadcast, adding even [...]

Mitt Romney Looks to Buy Ohio

By Chance Breckenridge
Political Reporter
COLUMBUS, OHIO -  Mitt Romney, the presumptive Republican candidate for president, was in Ohio this morning and made a shocking offer to Gov. John Kasich.
Romney wants to buy Ohio, and its 18 electoral votes, for $500 million.
“I love Ohio’s … trees and such … and I believe I could take very good [...]

Gay Cows Plead for Truce

By Tina Roundhouse
Staff Writer
ATLANTA - As supporters and protesters gather at Chick-Fil-A restaurants across the nation to celebrate or make out publicly, respectively, some of the chain’s beloved bovine mascots are calling for peace.
“As cattle, we of course support Chick-fil-A’s ceaseless slaughter of chickens,” said Bonnie, a long-time Chick-fil-A cow and open lesbian. “At the [...]

Romney Criticizes Penguins

By Cynthia Stallion
Staff Writer
NEW YORK CITY - Only a day after criticizing London’s preparation for the Olympic Games, presidential candidate Mitt Romney garnered more attention by disparaging penguins.
During a visit to Central Park Zoo, home to more than 60 penguins, Romney called penguins “flabby and slow.”
“If they’re birds, they should be able to fly,” Romney [...]