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Posts under ‘Entertainment’

Clint Eastwood Speaks with Manti Te’o’s Girlfriend

By Donald MacFarland
Staff Writer
LOS ANGELES - Film icon Clint Eastwood today told reporters he has spoken to Notre Dame football player Manti Te’o’s girlfriend following this week’s revelation she does not exist.
“I contacted her, and we met in person,” Eastwood said. “Then I sat her down in a chair, and we had a long conversation.” [...]

Jay-Z Sells Miley Cyrus to Shanghai Businessman

Rapper Cites Misuse of Name
By Tina Roundhouse
Staff Writer
NEW YORK CITY - According to four sources, hip hop mogul Jay-Z earlier this month purchased music and television star Miley Cyrus and then sold her to Chinese businessman Zhou Rongkun.
One source said Jay-Z did not appreciate Cyrus using his name in the hit song “Party in the [...]

Glenn Beck Wins Douche Bucket of the Year Award

By Donald McFarland
Staff Writer
Fox News radio and television show host Glenn Beck has won the Cannon Newsletter’s first ever Douche Bucket of the Year Award.
It was a narrow victory, but Beck received a few more first-place votes than the other nominees, which included Rush Limbaugh, South Carolina Rep. Joe Wilson and Perez Hilton.
The Douche Bucket Award [...]

Babe Has Swine Flu

Farmer Hoggett Plans to Put Down Pig
By Cynthia Stallion
Staff Writer
NEW SOUTH WALES, AUSTRALIA - Babe, the beloved pig, has contracted swine flu.
Farmer Arthur Hoggett said he has quarantined the animal, fearing the virus might spread to his sheep dogs and other animals.
“We all love Babe, of course, but I’m not sure many people have seen him since [...]

New ‘Lord of the Flies’ Theory Arises

Critic Says Swine Flu Killed Simon
By Cynthia Stallion
Staff Writer
NEW YORK CITY - Historians and literary experts are scrambling to discredit a new theory claiming swine flu played a role in a 1954 island incident described in the classic “Lord of the Flies.”
Robert Upton of New York City recently published an article suggesting the H1N1 strain existed when the [...]

Mystery Writer Unveils ‘FaceHook’

Novella to Unfold Throughout October
By Donald McFarland
Staff Writer
NEW YORK CITY - An anonymous author has started releasing chapters of the “FaceHook” novella.
The online-only story will unfold throughout October.
“FaceHook” is about a serial killer who uses Facebook to find victims and creative ways to kill them.
Chapter 1 appeared today at Chapters will follow daily and [...]

Taylor Swift Wins Award

Kanye West Expresses Opinion During Acceptance Speech
By Joey Spitz
Music Writer
NEW YORK CITY - People are going to be talking about this moment for a long time. Taylor Swift won an award recognizing her music.
More specifically, MTV honored her with the Best Female Video award - for “You Belong to Me” - picking Swift over, among others, Beyonce Knowles.
Kanye [...]

Gary Busey on High Alert

Star Cautious After String of Wacky Celebrity Deaths
By Donald McFarland
Staff Writer
LOS ANGELES, CA - Film star Gary Busey has announced he is taking extra precautions with everything he does after several wacky celebrities died last week. The list includes Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, Ed McMahon and Billy Mays.
“Those people were all cooky in unique ways, [...]

Animal Farm Pigs Offer Swine Flu Explanation

Napoleon Blames Snowball for Outbreak
By Cynthia Stallion
Staff Writer
MANOR FARM - The communist pig leaders of Manor Farm, once dubbed “Animal Farm,” have begun releasing statements regarding the swine flu.
“Obviously, we are worried humans would blame us pigs,” said Napoleon, general secretary of the Communist Party at the farm, in one release. “My comrades, however, include [...]

Kermit D. Frog Has Swine Flu

Muppets Believe Virus Came from Miss Piggy
By Tina Roundhouse
Staff Writer
HOLLYWOOD, CA - Beloved Muppet Kermit D. Frog has contracted swine flu, Disney Corporation officials have announced.
“He’s handling it well,” said Stacy Cantlin, a Disney spokesperson. “He’s sure to make a full recovery.”
As the Cannon Newsletter reported last week, movie star Christina Ricci has the disease. [...]