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Posts under ‘Weather’

God Votes to Suspend Campaigns

By Tina Roundhouse
Staff Writer
WASHINGTON D.C. – God has reportedly voted early, sending hurricanes and blizzards to stop political campaigns until further notice.

The severe weather forced President Obama to return to Washington, D.C., and challenger Mitt Romney to stop talking.
Power outages, meanwhile, silenced the ceaseless political commercial rotation. Mail delivery delays could mean many [...]

Hurricane Blizzard Hell Storm Leaves Some Unconvinced

By Donald McFarland
Staff Writer
As Hurricane Sandy barrels toward the East Coast, bringing strong winds, the threat of major flooding and, somehow, October blizzards, some are questioning the existence of global warming.
“Blizzards are cold,” said Congressman John Shimkus of Illinois. “How can this be about global warming if it’s cold.”
Warm air holds more water vapor than [...]

Forecast: 100% Chance of Bitching

By Kip Dinkshaw
With erratic weather patterns, temperature changes and random rainfall, meteorologists agree on only one certainty: bitching.
Looking at the East Coast this week, people are complaining about the rain and cold temperatures. And if it does snow, the bitching will increase.
Out west, people this week will be bitching about cooler weather, while people [...]

Temperatures Dip Below Witch Tit Level

And That’s Cold!
By Kip Dinkshaw
The U.S. will be officially colder than a witch’s tit this week.
A witch’s tit, depending on the witch, is roughly 15 degrees Fahrenheit. Temperatures throughout the country, especially in the north and east, will fall below that mark - sometimes well below that mark.
I talked to one witch earlier today. Her [...]

Crazy Weather Could Breed Crazy People

Erratic Conditions Screw with Seasonal Affective Disorder
By Kip Dinkshaw
Many folks in the east might be enjoying the strange, spring-like weather today before the increasingly cold wind and rain come tomorrow.
Some, though, might be on a emotional roller coaster.
Seasonal affective disorder (SAD) is a mood disorder that strikes many during the darker, colder months. What happens, though, when [...]

Global Warming Brings Lovely November Weather

But Icy Hell on the Way!
By Kip Dinkshaw
Folks in the east have had some warm temperatures and sunny days the past week. They’re leaving their coats at home as global warming slowly devours the colder months. Climate change might be reeking havoc in the Arctic, but it means a nice walk outdoors for many in [...]