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Posts under ‘Politics’

God Votes to Suspend Campaigns

By Tina Roundhouse
Staff Writer
WASHINGTON D.C. – God has reportedly voted early, sending hurricanes and blizzards to stop political campaigns until further notice.

The severe weather forced President Obama to return to Washington, D.C., and challenger Mitt Romney to stop talking.
Power outages, meanwhile, silenced the ceaseless political commercial rotation. Mail delivery delays could mean many [...]

Political Efforts, Football Join Forces

By Charles Parachute
Sports Editor
The Friends of Coal Bowl, which for seven years now has featured West Virginia University and Marshall University meeting on the gridiron, comes to an end Saturday as the schools have not agreed on continuing the series.
Other schools across the country, though, are embracing the idea of having political – or, [...]

Republicans Fight ‘Dark Voting’

By Donald McFarland
Staff Writer
HARRISBURG, PA. – As the November election approaches, some states are taking tougher stances against voter fraud.
Pennsylvania recently joined several states with strict voter ID laws requiring citizens to show identification before voting. Often, states require photo IDs, such as driver’s licenses, passports and IDs created specifically for elections.
Critics [...]

Romney Perfects Stand-up Routine

By Chance Breckenridge
Political Reporter
TAMPA, Fla. – Mitt Romney, the presumptive Republican presidential nominee, said today he was “only joking” when he said the U.S. would achieve energy independence by 2020.
“I mean, come on, that’s ridiculous,” he said.
Romney last week released his energy plan, which said the country could be producing 28 billion barrels [...]

GOP Receives Support from Rapists

By Chance Breckenridge
Political Reporter
WASHINGTON D.C. – Rapists across the country are uniting behind the Republican Party after Rep. Todd Akin, R-Missouri, suggested on Sunday a woman’s reproductive organs could sense rape and prevent pregnancy naturally.

“We finally have a voice in the political arena,” said Mark Jallenhover, president of the National Rapists Association (NRA). “It’s [...]

Rep. Akin Confuses Vaginas with Parking Meters

By Chance Breckenridge
Political Reporter
ST. LOUIS - Rep. Todd Akin, R-Missouri, apologized today after comments he made Sunday regarding rape, saying he had confused the female anatomy with parking meters.

“If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down,” he said during the Sunday broadcast, adding even [...]

Mitt Romney Looks to Buy Ohio

By Chance Breckenridge
Political Reporter
COLUMBUS, OHIO -  Mitt Romney, the presumptive Republican candidate for president, was in Ohio this morning and made a shocking offer to Gov. John Kasich.
Romney wants to buy Ohio, and its 18 electoral votes, for $500 million.
“I love Ohio’s … trees and such … and I believe I could take very good [...]

Fast Food Gets Political

By Tina Roundhouse
Staff Writer
OAK BROOK, Ill -  With Chick-fil-A President Dan Cathy last month speaking out against gay marriage last month, garnering response from both supporters and protesters, other fast food personalities are opting to enter the political arena.
“I won’t keep quiet any longer about Obamacare,” said Ronald McDonald during an interview with a local [...]

Romney Criticizes Penguins

By Cynthia Stallion
Staff Writer
NEW YORK CITY - Only a day after criticizing London’s preparation for the Olympic Games, presidential candidate Mitt Romney garnered more attention by disparaging penguins.
During a visit to Central Park Zoo, home to more than 60 penguins, Romney called penguins “flabby and slow.”
“If they’re birds, they should be able to fly,” Romney [...]

Glenn Beck Wins Douche Bucket of the Year Award

By Donald McFarland
Staff Writer
Fox News radio and television show host Glenn Beck has won the Cannon Newsletter’s first ever Douche Bucket of the Year Award.
It was a narrow victory, but Beck received a few more first-place votes than the other nominees, which included Rush Limbaugh, South Carolina Rep. Joe Wilson and Perez Hilton.
The Douche Bucket Award [...]

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