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Posts under ‘Business & Finance’

Fast Food Gets Political

By Tina Roundhouse
Staff Writer
OAK BROOK, Ill -  With Chick-fil-A President Dan Cathy last month speaking out against gay marriage last month, garnering response from both supporters and protesters, other fast food personalities are opting to enter the political arena.
“I won’t keep quiet any longer about Obamacare,” said Ronald McDonald during an interview with a local [...]

Starbucks Coffee … About the Same as Powdered Drink

SEATTLE - Coffee giant Starbucks has released its VIA Ready Brew, a powdered version of its beverages that come in tiny packets.

“We think it tastes just as good as any cup of freshly brewed Starbucks coffee,” the promotions say. “But don’t take our word for it. Try Starbucks VIA for yourself.”

Starbucks, then, is admitting its coffee is comparable to a powdered drink - the coffee version of Tang, perhaps, or Crystal Light packets.

Everything in Piggly Wiggly is Infected with Swine Flu

Grocery Chain Has Unfortunate Connection with Pigs
By Tina Roundhouse
Staff Writer
MEMPHIS, TN - The Piggly Wiggly grocery store chain might have to shut down until the swine flu epidemic subsides, company officials said.
“Our mascot is a pig, and the store name is associated with swine,” said Peter O’Donnell, a Piggly Wiggly spokesperson. “If it was just [...]

Obama Hasn’t Fixed Economy Yet

Critics Ask for a Little Less Hope and A Lot More Action
By Penny Moolah
Business Editor
WASHINGTON DC - As the Obama Administration approaches three months in power, some are asking why the economy still “blows.”
“When Obama won in November, the economy stayed pretty bad,” said Brian Patterson, who has been jobless for seven months. “I thought [...]

Director’s Cut of AIG Commercial Leaked

In a recent TV ad, a boy walks into his parents’ bedroom in the middle of the night, unable to sleep. But it’s not bad dreams that are keeping him awake.
“I’m worried about this family’s financial future,” he announces.
Don’t worry, his dad assures him, “we’re with AIG.”
- Los Angeles Times
By Tina Roundhouse
Staff Writer

Treasury Secretary Becoming Bat

Geithner Also Unveils Bank Rescue Plan
By Cynthia Stallion
Staff Writer
WASHINGTON DC - The Treasury Department today unveiled a plan to remove troubled assets from bank books, but Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner is attracting attention for another reason.
“I think he’s becoming a bat,” said one source in the Treasury Department who declined to be identified.
Pictures taken today [...]

Leprechauns Request Bailout Money

Officials Believe Plan Could Be a Trick
By Donald McFarland
Staff Writer
WASHINGTON DC - Representatives from the U.S. leprechaun population, which generally has avoided lobbying efforts in Washington, have made a formal request for bailout money from the federal government.
“We want our gold back!” said Pippin McDougal, president of the newly-formed Leprechaun Rescue Federation, or GOLD. ”Someone took our [...]

What Would Jesus Do If His Water Hose Broke?

SOUTH CHARLESTON, WV - Nova Rubber Company is touting a very prominent customer in its placemat ad.
The company, which boasts an ability to “duplicate and repair all types of hoses,” states Jesus saves by doing business with Nova.
Apparently turning water to wine isn’t a problem, but finding a way to distribute the wine with a [...]

Steve and Barry’s Finally Has Sale

Closure Ends Steady Rise in Prices
By Penny Moolah
Business Writer
CHARLESTON, WV - Steve and Barry’s discount clothing stores across the country are have blowout sales after years of steadily rising prices.
Sure, the sales come after the company announced it is shutting down all its stores, but still “everything must go” specials still count as sales.
When the [...]

Bailout Could Help Chevrolet Make More Crap

Malibus Might Be Everywhere by 2010
By Penny Moolah
Business Writer
WASHINGTON DC - General Motors Corporation this week began making its case, along with Ford and Chrysler, for a $25 billion bailout. And in a surprising move, the plan comes with an emphasis on some of Chevrolet’s older models rather newer, more fuel-efficient vehicles like the Volt.

“We [...]