Rotating Header Image

Posts under ‘Health & Fitness’

‘It’s Swine Flu!’ for Beggin’ Bits Dog

Sickness Forces Purina to Reveal Bacon Addiction
By Donald McFarland
Staff Writer
ST. LOUIS, MO - The Purina Beggin’ Strips mascot has contracted swine flu, presumably from eating bacon.
Hamlet the Beggin’ Dog first showed symptoms last week and is “progressively getting worse,” said Dr. Melanie Stafford.
“We do think he’ll eventually get better,” she said. “But he’s gotta lay [...]

Neville Brothers Battle Swine Flu

Neville Hopes Combined Vocals Will Match New Strain
By Donald McFarland
Staff Writer
BATON ROUGE, LA - Singer Aaron Neville is hoping his brothers can help him fight the swine flu.
As the Cannon Newsletter reported earlier this month, researchers at Louisiana State University had discovered Aaron Neville’s falsetto cures the common flu. Neville then planned a worldwide tour [...]

Experts Offer Technique for Dealing With Swine Flu Victims

Most Effective Method Is Shot to Head
By Cynthia Stallion
Staff Writer
As the swine flu continues to rip apart the nation, medical and law enforcement experts are offering instructions for people who encounter swine flu victims.
“In the interest of limiting and controlling the disease, we are suggesting a blow to the head,” said Sgt. Carl Franks of [...]

Everything in Piggly Wiggly is Infected with Swine Flu

Grocery Chain Has Unfortunate Connection with Pigs
By Tina Roundhouse
Staff Writer
MEMPHIS, TN - The Piggly Wiggly grocery store chain might have to shut down until the swine flu epidemic subsides, company officials said.
“Our mascot is a pig, and the store name is associated with swine,” said Peter O’Donnell, a Piggly Wiggly spokesperson. “If it was just [...]

Aaron Neville’s Falsetto Cures Flu

Vocalist Eager to Sing for Millions of Sufferers
By Donald McFarland
Staff Writer
BATON ROUGE, LA - Researchers at Louisiana State University say they have discovered a cure for the influenza virus, or the flu.
The discovery came after famed blues singer Aaron Neville met with and presented a theory to the researchers. Neville hypothesized cacao butter, which the [...]