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Posts under ‘Sports’

Tim Tebow a Victim of Sanchez Prank

Quarterback Calls Trick ‘Dirty’
By Charles Parachute
Sports Editor
CORTLAND, NY - New York Jets starting quarterback Mark Sanchez has been busy pulling a series of pranks on backup quarterback Tim Tebow.
Before Thursday’s training camp session started, Tebow discovered his shoes were full of shaving cream.
“As soon as I stuck my feet in them, I thought, ‘That’s [...]

Phelps Praises Lochte and His Medal

By Charles Parachute
Sports Editor
LONDON - Two days after U.S. Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte won gold in the 400 IM, Olympic legend Michael Phelps, who finished fourth in the same race, praised his teammate.
“It’s a fantastic accomplishment to win a gold medal,” Phelps said. “It takes hard work, talent and dedication to win a single gold [...]

BP Reveals Goalie Was In Charge of Stopping Leak

By Donald McFarland
Staff Writer
LONDON - British Petroleum, which for weeks has been attempting to stop the oil gush that is polluting the Gulf of Mexico and U.S. coasts, revealed today that Robert Green, the goalie for England’s World Cup soccer team, has been in charge of stopping the leak.
“We now understand that was a mistake,” [...]

Investigators Whittling Down Suspects in Coin Throwing Incident

Detectives Say Culprit Would Have to Be ‘Inhumanly Powerful’
By Charles Parachute
Sports Editor
MORGANTOWN, W.VA. - Police are looking for the person - or thing - who threw a coin at University of Pittsburgh assistant basketball coach Tom Herrion during the team’s loss to West Virginia University.
According to reports, the area beneath Herrion’s eye was “visibly bruised.” Replays [...]

State Hired Miners to Officiate Coal Bowl

Temp Refs Had Little Time to Learn Rules
By Charles Parachute
Sports Editor
MORGANTOWN, W.VA. - Organizers of the Friends of Coal Bowl - the annual football matchup between West Virginia University and Marshall University - might have taken the coal theme too far.
An anonymous source in West Virginia Gov. Joe Manchin’s office has confirmed the state allowed [...]

Rush Limbaugh Opts to Buy NASCAR Team

Racing Could Be More Receptive to Bigot Than NFL
By Charlest Parachute
Sports Editor
DAYTONA BEACH, FLA. - Two days after a group hoping to purchase the NFL’s St. Louis Rams dropped Rush Limbaugh, the controversial radio personality announced he plans to buy a NASCAR team. He didn’t specify which team.
“I am determined to own some sort of [...]

Players Allege Rich Rodriguez Makes Them Tweet

Michigan Football Coach Reportedly Has Team
Update Twitter During Off Time
By Charles Parachute
Sports Editor
ANN ARBOR - Is Michigan Head Football Coach Rich Rodriguez that much of a twit?
Following reports that the University of Michigan football coaching staff has players working and practicing beyond the NCAA-mandated 20-hour maximum, anonymous sources are adding fuel to the bonfire. [...]

Papelbon Destroys Groin During Celebration

Pitcher’s Injury Exceeds Hernia
By Charles Parachute
Sports Editor
BOSTON - Boston Red Sox closer Jonathan Papelbon destroyed his groin last night while celebrating his latest save, this one against the Tampa Bay Rays.
“This is more than a hernia,” said Red Sox team physician Clark Giles. “He screamed so loudly and so hard, the groin actually ejected from [...]

Tar Heel Toe Means Everything

Lawson’s Injury Extends Beyond Basketball
By Charles Parachute
Sports Editor
Greensboro, NC - As the University of North Carolina prepares to take on Radford in the first round of the NCAA Tournament, questions involving point guard Ty Lawson’s toe abound.
Lawson is expected to miss the Radford game but could play in a second game against Butler or Illinois.
“If [...]

Two Guys Make NCAA Tournament

Snubbed Teams Demand Rule Changes
By Charles Parachute
Sports Editor

NEW YORK CITY - Two individuals have made the 65-”team” NCAA men’s basketball tournament field.
Robert Morris is seeded No. 15 in the midwest bracket, while Stephen F. Austin is seeded No. 14 in the south. Morris received a bid by winning the Northeast Conference, while Austin won the [...]