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NBA Looks to Market ‘Roe vs. Wade’

By Charles Parachute
Sports Editor

NEW YORK CITY - The NBA has confirmed it hopes one of its teams will draft or sign a player named Roe within the next few years.

Wade

Wade

“We’re looking at guys named Roe, and we hope at some point his team would play against Dwyane Wade and the Miami Heat,” said Kent Hightower, a spokesman for the NBA.

Naturally, the tagline would be “Roe vs. Wade,” and NBA officials believe sports channels such as ESPN would talk about such a matchup for weeks.

“ESPN for the next two weeks won’t shut up about the HarBowl and how two brothers are facing off as coaches in the Super Bowl,” Hightower said. “Just think of how it would be obsessed over Roe versus Wade.”

Lou Roe, who played two seasons in the NBA, is an obvious choice. But he is 40 years old. Michigan State University star Delvon Roe was looking at a chance in the NBA, but knee injuries ended his basketball career.

The NBA has turned to Clarence Roe, a 24-year-old truck driver from Aitkin, Minn. Roe played high school basketball, averaging four points, two rebounds and five minutes over his two-year career. And he is the NBA’s best chance at achieving “Roe vs. Wade” before Wade retires. Officials believe Wade could be considering retirement in five years or so.

“I watch NBA games sometimes,” Roe said. “But I need to kind of refresh myself about players, teams and basic rules. But if the NBA needs me to sign with some team for the veterans’ minimum (contract), I’m willing to do that because my current job sucks.”

The NBA’s idea coincides with the 40th anniversary of the controversial Roe vs. Wade Supreme Court ruling.

“This isn’t about abortion, though,” Hightower said. “Of course it’s not. It’s just about a catchy phrase. We hope Clarence Roe can practice for a few years and help us make this happen. It would certainly be an excellent marketing tool for the NBA, so we hope Clarence can save Roe versus Wade.”

Clint Eastwood Speaks with Manti Te’o’s Girlfriend

By Donald MacFarland
Staff Writer

LOS ANGELES - Film icon Clint Eastwood today told reporters he has spoken to Notre Dame football player Manti Te’o’s girlfriend following this week’s revelation she does not exist.

“I contacted her, and we met in person,” Eastwood said. “Then I sat her down in a chair, and we had a long conversation.”

Deadspin.com this week broke the story that Lennay Kekua, who supposedly died of leukemia last year after nearly dying in a car accident, was a fabrication and the product of a hoax. Te’o and Notre Dame maintain Te’o is a victim.

Eastwood said he is a fan of Te’o and was compelled to intervene.

“I feel bad for the kid,” Eastwood said. “I wanted to talk to this lady and find out what the hell’s going on.”

Eastwood received attention during last year’s presidential election season when he had a conversation with a pretend Barack Obama. He answered and questioned the president, although the chair appeared empty.

Eastwood said the conversation with Kekua was similar, except no audience was present.

“I asked her why she’s not real and who the hell made her up,” Eastwood said. “She didn’t seem to know, so I grilled her about healthcare reform just to throw her off a little.”

Eastwood also asked Kekua if Te’o was involved in the hoax or purely a victim.

“She said Manti is a wonderful man, even though he wouldn’t visit her after a drunk driver nearly killed her, while she was in a coma, while she was in the hospital with leukemia, after she died or when she returned from the dead,” Eastwood recounted. “She still believes he’s an honest, standup guy, and she doesn’t think he’s involved in making her up.”

Eastwood said he asked Kekua on a date, but she refused, adding she hopes she can rekindle the nonexistent romance with Te’o.

“Hell, I wasn’t really wanting to date her, even though she’s generically beautiful,” Eastwood said. “I was trying to trick her, trying to find out if she really cared for Manti. Turns out, she does.”

God Votes to Suspend Campaigns

By Tina Roundhouse
Staff Writer

WASHINGTON D.C. – God has reportedly voted early, sending hurricanes and blizzards to stop political campaigns until further notice.

The severe weather forced President Obama to return to Washington, D.C., and challenger Mitt Romney to stop talking.

Power outages, meanwhile, silenced the ceaseless political commercial rotation. Mail delivery delays could mean many citizens won’t see pamphlets and one-sheets, at least for a day or two.

“God isn’t going to vote for a specific candidate in any election,” said Peter, archangel and spokesperson. “But that doesn’t mean he won’t make his voice heard, and boy did he ever.”

Hurricane Sandy has delivered strong winds and flooding to New England and blizzards to other parts of the U.S.

President Obama suspended his campaign.

Romney, meanwhile, said, “This president has … um … the hurricane has reminded us that … ur … most Americans are … Let’s see. Um … I’m … against the hurricane?”

Gena Vincent, a nurse from Virginia, trudged to work today and said, “When I awoke to this awful weather, I was in a bad mood. But when I finally got outside, I discovered this blessed silence. This beautiful, blessed silence. Thank you, Lord.”

Hurricane Blizzard Hell Storm Leaves Some Unconvinced

By Donald McFarland
Staff Writer

As Hurricane Sandy barrels toward the East Coast, bringing strong winds, the threat of major flooding and, somehow, October blizzards, some are questioning the existence of global warming.

“Blizzards are cold,” said Congressman John Shimkus of Illinois. “How can this be about global warming if it’s cold.”

Warm air holds more water vapor than cold air. So as air temperature rises, the planet would experience more rain and snow over time. Climate change, then, can produce blizzards, along with other extreme weather events, according to many scientists.

“Presuming climate change could only produce heat is like thinking the moon doesn’t exist when the sun in shining,” said Dr. Peter Falcon of Augusta, Maine.

“An event such as this - a mega-hurricane that triggers blizzards in October - isn’t necessarily the result of climate change and global warming,” Falcon continued. “But … come on.”

Many, though, remain unconvinced.

“I don’t see any tornadoes,” sand Frank McGowan of Allentown, Pa. “If this was such an awful storm, wouldn’t we have tornadoes and droughts, too? And where’s the tsunami? Don’t expect me to be impressed by a little thunderstorm that destroys the East Coast. Don’t expect me to be impressed by a little snow.”

For vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin also chimed in about the hurricane blizzard flood.

“Maybe we should ask the liberals where the storm came from,” she said. “I blame all the hot air coming out of their mouths. And gays. And cap and trade tactics. Maybe we should cap this storm and trade it to China for jobs. How ’bout that?”

Political Efforts, Football Join Forces

By Charles Parachute
Sports Editor

The Friends of Coal Bowl, which for seven years now has featured West Virginia University and Marshall University meeting on the gridiron, comes to an end Saturday as the schools have not agreed on continuing the series.

Other schools across the country, though, are embracing the idea of having political – or, as some say, “educational” – organizations sponsor early-season games.

USC and UCLA have announced the Friends of Choice Bowl will begin in 2013.

“There is a general agreement about reproductive rights, so the National Organization for Women … I mean, Friends of Choice … is excited to paste its logo all over this game,” said Cindy Remnick, the group’s communications director.

Organizers plan to have a birth control tent onsite and hope players will touch a morning-after pill as they enter the stadium.

The University of Florida and Florida State, meanwhile, plan to launch the Friends of Guns Bowl in 2015. Fans will be permitted to have guns at the game, and players will shoot at targets near the end zone for extra points.

“Pretty much everyone supports the NRA … er, Friends of Guns … so we feel comfortable supporting this game with the presumption that guns benefit society,” said Bill Gervin, a Friends of Guns spokesperson. “Everyone agrees guns are good. This is more of an informational thing.”

The Friends of Love Bowl also is in the works. Ohio State University and the University of Michigan will play the annual contest, which could start in 2017.

Organizers envision “A Broadway Extravaganza!” during halftime and a bear exhibit in the parking lot.

“This will be the event of the year!” said Ben Killburn, the Friends of Love president. “Anyone who supports gay marriage and other things like football will fall in love with the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force … or Friends of … whatever. Point is, everyone is on the same page regarding gay rights, and we think this is a fantastic opportunity for fans to show their support.”

Republicans Fight ‘Dark Voting’


By Donald McFarland

Staff Writer

HARRISBURG, PA. – As the November election approaches, some states are taking tougher stances against voter fraud.

Pennsylvania recently joined several states with strict voter ID laws requiring citizens to show identification before voting. Often, states require photo IDs, such as driver’s licenses, passports and IDs created specifically for elections.

Critics claim these mostly Republican lawmakers are looking for effective ways to make voting more difficult for minorities and the poor, who traditionally support Democratic candidates. But Pennsylvania House Republican Leader Mike Turzai argued the new law “is gonna allow Gov. Romney to win.”

These states now are taking even bolder steps to fight voter fraud, or what some Republican strategists call “dark voting.”

  • Pennsylvania now requires voters to take a country music quiz before entering polls.
  • South Carolina requires a receipt for any LL Bean purchase.
  • If voters in Georgia do not have photo IDs, they have the option to take a written test related to “Atlas Shrugged.”
  • Women in Missouri without voter IDs can qualify by registering their vaginas and installing rape detectors.
  • Texans must show, in addition to photo IDs, proof they have purchased or sold stocks within the past month.
  • Wisconsin voters must show photo IDs and participate in a series of wine tastings, correctly identifying the wines by type and year.

Romney Perfects Stand-up Routine

Romney at the Improv

Romney at the Improv

By Chance Breckenridge
Political Reporter

TAMPA, Fla. – Mitt Romney, the presumptive Republican presidential nominee, said today he was “only joking” when he said the U.S. would achieve energy independence by 2020.

“I mean, come on, that’s ridiculous,” he said.

Romney last week released his energy plan, which said the country could be producing 28 billion barrels of oil each day by 2020. The plan, however, apparently was designed to produce laughs.

Romney last week told another joke, saying “no one’s ever asked to see my birth certificate,” an apparent reference to President Obama’s “birther” controversy. Romney later explained he wasn’t questioning Obama’s citizenship, just “telling a joke.”

The Romney Team has seemingly changed the campaign to a stand-up tour heading into this week’s GOP Convention.

“It’s a brave move,” said comedian Chris Rock. “I guess the serious version of his campaign wasn’t working, so he switched it up. It could work.”

Some other recent Romney jokes:

  • “For markets to work, consumers must have the information and the power to make decisions about their own care.  Placing the patient at the center of the process will drive quality up and cost down while ensuring that services are designed to provide what Americans actually want.”
  • “Pakistan should understand that any connection between insurgent forces and Pakistan’s security and intelligence forces must be severed.”
  • “They don’t call them fraternities at Brigham Young University. They’re called Service Clubs. It was the Cougar Club.”
  • “I am who I am.”

“Stand-up comedy is very popular right now throughout the country, whether we’re talking about Jeff Foxworthy or Daniel Tosh,” said comedian Patton Oswalt. “It looks like Romney is trying to harness that popularity and create new votes. Some of his jokes are probably racist, but a lot of the things he’s saying are really, really funny.”

We Conclude Our Top 25!

By Charles Parachute
Sports Editor

We finally conclude our first ever Top 25 rankings, starting with a president and ending with the nation’s best team!

Obama and Biden

Obama and Biden

#5) Barrack Obama & Joe Biden

The Hope is back! After an upset victory in 2008, O is looking to repeat in 2012. Biden – the “new Chain-y” – is a little older and less stable, but with Obama as the quarterback, this team can go a long way.

#4) University of Oklahoma

Many people believe Oklahoma is in the mix for a national championship, but not if Coach Bob Stoops has anything to say about it!

#3) LSU

Head Coach Les Miles is laughing because you all think kicking safety Tyrann “Honey Badger” Mathieu off the team is a major setback. He has, like, 20 NFL safeties on the roster, people!

#2) USC

Lane Kiffin once killed a recruit. The recruit wouldn’t fully commit, so Kiffin went to the player’s house a beat him to death with a baseball bat. In blood, Kiffin wrote “Trojan Pride” on the living room wall.

WVU quarterback Geno Smith

WVU quarterback Geno Smith

No, that didn’t really happen. But it’s believable, isn’t it?

#1) West Virginia University

Ask Clemson.

Eastwood, Bolt, Romney Highlight 10 to 6

By Charles Parachute
Sports Editor

The Top 25 countdown gets political as we get closer to the final five!

#10) University of Michigan

It’s halftime. Both teams are in their locker room discussing what they can do to win this game in the second half.It’s halftime in America, too. People are out of work and they’re hurting. And they’re all wondering what they’re going to do to make a comeback. And we’re all scared, because this isn’t a game.

The people of Michigan know a little something about this. They almost lost everything. But we all pulled together, now Michigan is fighting again. We’ve seen a lot of tough eras, a lot of downturns in our lives. And, times when we didn’t understand each other. It seems like we’ve lost our heart at times. When the fog of division, discord and blame made it hard to see what lies ahead.

But after those trials, they all rallied around what was right and acted as one. Because that’s what they do. They find a way through tough times, and if they can’t find a way, then they’ll make one. All that matters now is what’s ahead. How do they come from behind? How do they come together? And, how do they win?

Michigan’s showing us it can be done. And, what’s true about them is true about all of us. This school can’t be knocked out with one punch. They get right back up again, and when they do, the world is going to hear the roar of their engines.

But Michigan’s probably going to lose to Ohio State.

Bolt

Bolt

#9) Usain Bolt

After his stunning performance during the Olympics, Bolt is ready to the field and win all by himself. We’re not betting against him. Are you?

#8) Florida State University

Remember all those times Florida State was ranked highly at the start and then eventually fell out of the rankings? It’s happening again.

#7) University of Oregon

Oregon is going to be really good. But the uniforms are an abomination, and you cannot, with any sense of morality, complain about Boise State’s field or any unfair rule in college football before pointing out the atrocity that is an Oregon uniform. If the school’s mascot was vomit, the color scheme might make sense. But they are the Ducks. It’s time for a change.

#6) Mitt Romney & Paul Ryan

Ryan and Romney

Ryan and Romney

Romney and Ryan are making a strong push for success this fall, and they’re expecting victories at Florida, Ohio and North Carolina. They aren’t popular with women and are losing support from old people. And others who aren’t younger, whiter men. But Romney and Ryan feel they can compete well with young, white guys. As long as they can find ways to keep minorities from playing.

GOP Receives Support from Rapists

By Chance Breckenridge
Political Reporter

WASHINGTON D.C. – Rapists across the country are uniting behind the Republican Party after Rep. Todd Akin, R-Missouri, suggested on Sunday a woman’s reproductive organs could sense rape and prevent pregnancy naturally.

Akin

Akin

“We finally have a voice in the political arena,” said Mark Jallenhover, president of the National Rapists Association (NRA). “It’s about time lawmakers start empathizing a little more with rapists and little less with victims, who have been getting their way for too long now.”

Republican National Committee communications director Sean Spicer said rapist support “is one of the worst kinds of support,” although he added, “we welcome their votes.”

Jallenhover said the NRA has never supported a candidate in either party, but that will change this year.

“It’s clear the GOP has the interests of rapists in mind, so we want to be sure we get the word out and make sure voters are informed,” he said.

“Please, God, no,” Spicer said. “Again, we’d love to have your votes. But it would really help us if you publically supported the Democrats instead or just stopped speaking altogether.”

Jallenhover and other NRA representatives had scheduled a rally today in Washington, but they were immediately arrested when they arrived. Because, you know … they’re rapists.