Detectives Say Culprit Would Have to Be ‘Inhumanly Powerful’

By Charles Parachute
Sports Editor

MORGANTOWN, W.VA. - Police are looking for the person - or thing - who threw a coin at University of Pittsburgh assistant basketball coach Tom Herrion during the team’s loss to West Virginia University.

According to reports, the area beneath Herrion’s eye was “visibly bruised.” Replays show the coin apparently ricocheting upward before hitting Herrion’s face.

“The amount of power it would take to cause a bruise with a coin, especially after a ricochet, is incredible,” said one investigator who declined to be identified. “This morning, I was standing five feet from one of my officers and throwing quarters at his face. They didn’t really leave a mark. I think whoever threw the coin from a further distance couldn’t have been human.”

Investigators are gathering a list of those who could have thrown a coin at such a velocity. According to an early draft of the list obtained by the Cannon Blog, the suspects include the Incredible Hulk, the Terminator and Mark McGwire.

Assistant coach Tom Herrion right after the Coin Incident of 2010.

Reporters are presuming the coin came from WVU’s rowdy crowd, although video doesn’t confirm exactly from where the coin came. After Herrion was struck, his head jerked backward. He then kept rubbing and pointing at the spot on his face so as many people as possible would notice.

“I couldn’t sleep last night,” Herrion said today. “I just kept seeing the coin as it rocketed at my face. I’m lucky to be alive. I’m glad this incident is capturing so many headlines, because it’s extremely important. And I hope whoever did it is caught soon, because who knows what kind of coin he’ll throw next. Can you imagine what would happen if he threw a silver dollar?”

“The Coin Incident of 2010″ followed an eventful evening at the Colliseum in Morgantown. Fans already had thrown objects on the floor, and players came close to a fight. During the week leading up to the game, WVU officials were asking students to stop using profanity during games.

As investigators track down the mythical creature with an ability to throw coins at hundreds of miles an hour, they also are examining the possibility of a second coin-thrower.

“The trajectory doesn’t make sense,” the source said. “If his head flipped backward, how could it have come from a fan seated near the Pitt bench? While there might have been a thrower in that area, we think a second thrower was seated elsewhere in the arena. After all, lots of people there had coins.”

Rapper Cites Misuse of Name

By Tina Roundhouse
Staff Writer

Jay-Z

NEW YORK CITY - According to four sources, hip hop mogul Jay-Z earlier this month purchased music and television star Miley Cyrus and then sold her to Chinese businessman Zhou Rongkun.

One source said Jay-Z did not appreciate Cyrus using his name in the hit song “Party in the USA.”

The thoughtful, poignant lyrics describe Cyrus riding in a cab when “a Jay-Z song was on. And a Jay-Z song was on. And a Jay-Z song was on.”

Cyrus did not ask Jay-Z’s permission to use his name.

According to financial documents obtained by the Cannon Blog, Jay-Z purchased Miley Cyrus from her father, Billy Ray Cyrus, for $3.2 million and the rights to use a Rhiana song in Billy Ray Cyrus’ new movie, “The Spy Next Door.”

Cyrus

A day later, Jay-Z sold Cyrus to Rongkun for roughly $4.9 million.

The Cannon Blog attempted to contact Jay-Z, and shockingly he answered the phone:

“I don’t give a f*** what he does with her,” Jay-Z said. “I handled my business. It was like selling stock, except I was selling a no-talent brat to a Chinese guy. That’s what happens when you use my name in a stupid-ass dance song. That’s the moral, bi-atch. Now I’m back down to 99 problems.”

By Donald McFarland
Staff Writer

Fox News radio and television show host Glenn Beck has won the Cannon Newsletter’s first ever Douche Bucket of the Year Award.

It was a narrow victory, but Beck received a few more first-place votes than the other nominees, which included Rush Limbaugh, South Carolina Rep. Joe Wilson and Perez Hilton.

The Douche Bucket Award is similar to the Heisman Trophy college football, as it honors the biggest douche during the past year.

“Beck unleashed a tirade on one listener for her views on health care, called President Obama a racist and congratulated himself for helping a guest who passed out on his television show,” said commentator Kurt Bagley, one of the Douche Bucket voters. “He clearly was douche of the year.”

Another voter, Hillary Wise, cited Beck’s book “The Christmas Sweater,” even though it hit shelves in 2008.

“The effects carried on into 2009,” she said. “What a God-awful, piece-of-crap, pretentious, badly-written, sentimentalist, stupid, migraine-inducing, terrible, disgusting book.”

Bagley said Beck’s accomplishments in 2009 weren’t the only reasons Beck received the award.

“If you watch Glenn Beck, you notice a palpable douche-ness about him,” he said. “I mean, you’re just sitting there listening to him and you think, ‘Wow, this guy is a real douche.’ I think his general douche personality helped him get this award.”

Before moving to Fox News, Beck was a commentator at CNN, and Beck’s opinions there seemed moderate. At one point, he even said the U.S. health care system is broken. At Fox, however, Beck has slid to the right and has displayed psychopathic tendencies.

Beck had some tough competition, especially from Limbaugh, who in 2009 called President Obama an “angry black guy,” said the president’s economic policy equals reparations and suggested black children now feel free to beat up white children because Obama is president.

“We’re kind of used to Limbaugh’s racism,” Wise said. “I think Beck’s racism was more startling because it started suddenly. If we ever have a Lifetime Douche Achievement Award, I’m sure Rush will get some recognition then.”

Temp Refs Had Little Time to Learn Rules

By Charles Parachute
Sports Editor

WVU Head Coach Bill Stewart yells at a coal miner whom he believed to be a referee.

MORGANTOWN, W.VA. - Organizers of the Friends of Coal Bowl - the annual football matchup between West Virginia University and Marshall University - might have taken the coal theme too far.

An anonymous source in West Virginia Gov. Joe Manchin’s office has confirmed the state allowed coal miners to officiate the Oct. 17 game. That could explain some of the almost unbelievably bad calls. The referees assigned incorrect penalty yards and at one point awarded possession to the wrong team. An overriding sense of confusion amongst the refs was palpable.

“The Friends of Coal group comes up with ideas every year, and this year, they wanted to include coal miners,” the source said. “The state agreed to have miners officiate the game. The actual refs, meanwhile, were - apparently against their will - given a tour of a Mingo County coal mine.”

The source said school officials at both Marshall and WVU were unaware the referees were coal miners.

“Obviously, that’s why they weren’t aware of some of the rules and seemed confused at times,” the source said. “You really have to know your stuff to be a football referee. It would be like asking an insurance salesman to perform surgery. The insurance guy would probably screw up.”

The Friends of Coal Bowl - one of the only sporting events in the world named after a political interest group - started four years ago when the state of West Virginia brokered a deal to have the two state schools play for seven straight years. The winner of two of the first three matchups would be home team for the fourth game, which is why this year’s was in Morgantown. WVU ended up winning 24 to 7.

“It’s a really weird situation,” the source said. “It’s something of a gimmick. It doesn’t simply switch sites every year like a normal football series. For some reason, it’s called a ‘bowl.’ And a lobbying group has its name attached to it. It’s no wonder something crazy like having coal miners officiate would happen.”

Column

Candy is boring.

Kids know what to expect when they treat-or-treat - chocolate bars, suckers, gummies, etc. They grow uninterested in and apathetic toward the routine, resorting to other methods of fun, such as egging my car and mummifying me with toilet paper.

So I was left with a choice for this trick or treat night. Either I could fortify my home and fight back with a pellet gun or I could change my offering. I abandoned Snickers and Jelly Bellies. I embraced Jimmy Dean’s sausages-wrapped-in-pancakes-on-sticks, offering the original version, blueberry and chocolate chip.

I planned to situate the treats on a serving platter and have bowls of gravy and syrup for dipping.

My mistake was telling my spiteful neighbor Delmar about my plan. The next day, he revealed to me he, too, was planning to offer sausages and pancakes on sticks to treat-or-treaters, and on top of that, he would be handing out Hot Pockets.

“I’m just going to sit the microwave on the porch with heating instructions,” Delmar said. Delmar can be very malicious and unpleasant.

Our rivalry reminds me of the competition between Bob Evans and Kentucky Fried Chicken. That began when KFC introduced its “Famous Bowl,” which included mashed potatoes, fried chicken, corn, gravy and cheese, effectively mixing together its entire menu and removing one step from the digestion process. (KFC later made the dish more appealing by shoving a biscuit in the concoction.)

Bob Evans reacted with its Knife and Fork Sandwich, which had a scoop of mashed potatoes, gravy and pulled pork piled on toast.

And so is the battle between Delmar and me.

“Guess what I’m doing,” I said to Delmar with a smirk. “I’m going to mix mashed potatoes, hamburger, pepperoni, cheese and potato chips together in a big vat and leave it out for trick-or-treaters.”

The next day: “I bought a trough from a farmer,” Delmar told me with a sleazy little scoff. “I’m going to fill it with gravy, scalloped potatoes, green beans, baked beans and popcorn shrimp.”

I responded immediately.

“Well, I’ve added éclairs to my recipe,” I gloated. “I’m sticking éclairs in the middle of the mashed potatoes. And before I do that, I’m going to inject them with frosting and butter.”

Delmar just had to one-up me.

“I’m going to build a diving board for my trough!” he exclaimed.

“Really?” I responded. “Well, I’m going to have a tub of gravy with apples floating in it. And the kids can stick their faces in the gravy to get the apples! And biscuits! They can bob for biscuits in the tub of gravy.”

“I’m going to dump caramel on them!” Delmar yelled.

This went on for a few more minutes, and then I began working frantically to uphold my claims, smashing potatoes, mixing gravy and hunting woodland creatures for their various meats.

When trick-or-treaters came to my house Oct. 30, they thought they’d encountered a Golden Corral on steroids.

And I bet Delmar was wishing he’d just stuck with Junior Mints.

Racing Could Be More Receptive to Bigot Than NFL

By Charlest Parachute
Sports Editor

Limbaugh

DAYTONA BEACH, FLA. - Two days after a group hoping to purchase the NFL’s St. Louis Rams dropped Rush Limbaugh, the controversial radio personality announced he plans to buy a NASCAR team. He didn’t specify which team.

“I am determined to own some sort of sporting franchise,” Limbaugh said this morning on his show. “The NASCAR fanbase thus far seems to be the only fan-base receptive to the idea.”

Dave Checketts, owner of the National Hockey League’s St. Louis Blues, had included Limbaugh in an effort to buy the Rams, but the reaction to the potential bid was negative and loud. Some NFL players said they would not play for a team partly owned by a blatant racist (Limbaugh), and some owners in the league said they would vote against the purchase.

“This is not about the NFL, this is not about the St. Louis Rams, this is not about me,” Limbaugh said after the group dumped him. “This is about the ongoing effort by the left in this country …” To paraphrase, he blamed liberals, saying this incident somehow affects the future of the United States.

Over the past couple of days, sources say, Limbaugh looked into possibly buying NBA and MLB franchises. But thoses leagues have lots of black and Hispanic players, so that wouldn’t work. He even looked into buying a hockey team, but many of those players are foreign.

“He had to find people who would accept a bigot with racist viewpoints and an addiction to Oxycontin,” said sports commentator Colin Phillips. “NASCAR became the logical option.”

Limbaugh has called President Obama an “angry black guy,” said the president’s economic policy equals reparations and suggested black children now feel free to beat up white children because Obama is president. In 2003, Limbaugh had to resign from ESPN after saying Donavan McNabb received preferential treatment because he is black. Limbaugh actually has made hundreds of racist comments, more than this article will hold.

“The blacks have taken over sports, just as they have the White House, and they want white people to be scared,” Limbaugh said. “Well, I’m not scared. NASCAR has become the only sport safe from liberals and safe from those who notice skin color. I am color-blind, believe it or not. The only black and white I see are on that checkered flag. So until some black guy learns to drive a NASCAR, I guess everyone will be fine with me owning a sports franchise in this ‘free’ nation.”

By Corky McRoberts
Wine Columnist

Around this time every year, you’ll start reading wine columns from pretentious pinheads about how autumn is perfect for reds or how autumn is perfect for whites. Chardonnay this, Cabernet that.

Boring!

As frequent readers of my column know, I know more than they do. What they might not know, however, is I know more than other wine columnists, too. They can sniff, swirl, taste and spit all they want, but they’re still wine-tards.

If you really want to get a taste of autumn, try these wines:

Three Lakes Pumpkin Wine - This splendid flavor comes from Wisconsin, which is best known for its cheese wine. This wine, though, comes from stomping on, as well as carving, pumpkins. If you pay close attention, you can detect feet and rust aromas.

But of course, the main flavor is pumpkin spice. “It’s the Drunk Pumpkin, Charlie Brown!” It’s as if Three Lakes fermented Starbucks’ pumpkin spice latte. I imagine the urine from various woodland creatures who made pit stops in the pumpkin patch triggered the fermentation, but Three Lakes continued the process quite nicely.

Imagine pouring a fine Riesling into a pumpkin shell, setting the pumpkin outside for all of October until it rots then drinking the wine directly from the pumpkin. That’s the magical feeling you get from drinking this selection. Enjoy!

Oak Leaf Cabernet Sauvignon - Oak Leaf isn’t just the brand; it’s the overriding flavor.

This wine sells at Wal-Mart for something like 89 cents a bottle. It’s a steal! What better taste for the fall season than dead leaves?

Indeed, the Walton family has taken bags and bags of dead leaves - not all of them from oak trees, mind you - and has come up with a very distinct flavor. The idea came when one of the Walton cousins - one they don’t speak of often - spilled a bottle of cab on the autumn ground and in a fit of panic began slurping it up before it soaked fully into the soil.

Angus Walton loved the flavor, so he snuck into the Oak Leaf facility and began dumping leaves into the barrels. Rather than dump the ruined wine, Oak Leaf officials decided to market it as cab.

Ignore the bits of leaves and enjoy the bliss of taking in the autumn ground.

Boone’s Farm Apple Blossom - This is like caramel apples in a bottle. It’s also like all sorts of apple candy dumped into the same bottle.

If you deal well with migraine headaches, try the supple Boone’s flavor. It’s like an apple-tini spilled into a bag of sugar and drowned a fairy - it’s that sweet.

But, as always, a warning: Boone’s products do not stay down. You will throw it up soon after consumption, so have a bucket handy.

Try this selection with Apple Jacks cereal. It also goes well with expired pork chops and apple sauce, as it kills any fungus or virus. Enjoy!

Former Psychopathic Killer Passed Bar Exam This Year

By Donald McFarland
Staff Writer

CHARLESTON, W.VA. - Michael Myers, the infamous mass murderer from Haddonfield, Illinois, has opened a law firm in West Virginia with attorney Paul Perfater.

“I had doubts about Michael, considering his horrible history, but he has proven to me he is ready to join productive society,” Perfater said. “That’s why he took the bar exam this year and decided to become a tort lawyer.”

Myers had no comment for this story because he doesn’t speak.

Asked if that would be a problem, Perfater said, “I think he’ll really be able to speak to juries with those deep, intense eyes. He doesn’t need words to made his case.”

Another Charleston lawyer, though, called Myers’ method “intimidation.”

“What jury is going to decide against him?” asked John Lindsay. “He’s killed dozens and dozens of people over the past few decades. Those deep, intense eyes are frightening and disturbing. This whole situation is absurd.”

Lindsay said he is petitioning the West Virginia Bar Association to take away Myers’ license to practice law.

“He’s a serial killer, for God’s sake,” Lindsay said.

But Perfater said Lindsay is really going after Myers because he views him as an “ambulance chaser.”

“It’s this whole stereotype about injury claims lawyers, torts and West Virginia being a ‘judicial hellhole,’” he said. “That’s what this is about. If Michael Myers was a corporate attorney, we wouldn’t be hearing about any of this.”

Lindsay disagreed.

“Let me repeat myself,” he said. “Michael Myers has killed dozens and dozens of people in the worst ways imaginable. Forget ‘judicial hellhole.’ This place could become a ‘living hell’ for everyone involved. What if Freddy Kreuger opened an insurance agency? What if Jason Voorhees became a doctor? Would that be acceptable? Of course not!”

Myers will be dealing mainly with - ironically - death claims.

“It’s something he knows a lot about, so it makes sense,” Perfater said.

Lindsay disagreed again.

“It’s only been a couple years since his last killings!” he said. “He would have to have been going to law school at the time, and that’s just crazy! This whole thing is insane!”

Farmer Hoggett Plans to Put Down Pig

By Cynthia Stallion
Staff Writer

NEW SOUTH WALES, AUSTRALIA - Babe, the beloved pig, has contracted swine flu.

Babe and Hoggett in 1995.

Farmer Arthur Hoggett said he has quarantined the animal, fearing the virus might spread to his sheep dogs and other animals.

“We all love Babe, of course, but I’m not sure many people have seen him since 1995, when his movie came out,” Hoggett said. “Baby pigs are cute. Grown pigs aren’t so much. So I hope people can view more recent pictures of him before judging me for putting him down.”

Putting him down?

“That’s right,” Hoggett said. “I’m sad to say it, but Babe’s gotta go. He’s like a rabid dog. If people can deal with Old Yeller, they can deal with this.”

Swine flu, though, is treatable.

“Sure, that’s what they say,” Hoggett said. “But they don’t have to deal with talking pigs that have swine flu. They whine and belly-ache all day. It’d be different if he couldn’t talk, but I can’t deal with his constant complaining anymore. He’s gotta go.”

Babe pleaded his case from inside a barnhouse bubble.

“What does it tell you that Farmer Hoggett is willing to purchase this big bubble contraption to protect the other animals from swine flu and yet is not willing to buy a flu shot for me?” Babe said. “Maybe he was just waiting for a good reason to turn me into bacon.”

Hoggett said the potential for a swine flu outbreak is the only reason he would kill Babe.

“I can’t make bacon out of him because he’s infected with swine flu,” he said. “I’d just bury him.”

Babe questioned if he actually has swine flu.

“This is all very convenient,” Babe said. “If swine flu wasn’t in the news, he’d come up with some other reason to do me in. He doesn’t like that an animal can question his decisions or debate with him. That’s the only virus I have - free speech.”

Column

Pumpkin donuts!

Nothing I saw at the Pumpkin Festival - not even the 1,500-pound vegetable that looked like the corpse of Linus’ Great Pumpkin - impressed me more than the revelation of making donuts from pumpkins.

I had tried the pumpkin rolls, the pumpkin ice cream, the pumpkin pie, the pumpkin bread, the pumpkin pancakes, the pumpkin butter, the pumpkin latte. I had even tasted a pumpkin Yankee candle earlier in the week. Then pumpkin donuts!

Maybe it was the glaring sunlight and unbearable heat, but I began wondering what couldn’t take on the pumpkin flavoring. Sure, the pumpkin donut concept is a breakthrough, but humanity wasn’t even close to reaching the potential of nature’s redheaded stepchild - the pumpkin.

My first experiment was pumpkin spaghetti sauce. I won’t give away all my secrets, but basically I mixed pumpkin jelly and marinara sauce, forming a substance that, one of my taste-testers observed, resembled a “very, very, very rotten apple that had been stepped on.” He described the spaghetti and pumpkin balls as “the most nauseating thing I’ve ever tasted.”

I’m still tweaking that recipe, but I’m also moving forward with a few other ideas. I have plenty of time, after all, until next year’s festival.

For example, I’ve begun perfecting pumpkin seed pizza. I use pumpkin bread dough for the crust then spread the pumpkin’s innards over the pizza’s face. I asked a close friend to try it, and she is still recovering in the hospital. Cards are welcome.

I’ve also developed gummy worms made largely from pumpkin paste. I call them “pummy worms.” To test them, I handed out a few to children in the park. All but one of the kids sat and cried after a single bite. The other kid ate handfuls of the pummy worms, but then again, he had been eating dead leaves when I first met him.

I decided to stop giving my test food to people and turned to dogs. The terrier that ate my Pumpkin Pringles began developing symptoms of rabies somehow. It was very strange. And the dalmation that lapped up my pumpkin iced tea turned orange in the eyes. I bet that will really freak out the owner, whenever I get around to returning the dogs.

Positive feedback was lacking. None of my products - not the pumpkin vodka, not the pumpkin burritos, not the pumpkin beef stew, not the pumpkin sushi - would ever receive FDA approval if I couldn’t even force my friends to enjoy them.

The lack of success was beginning to depress and deter me, but then the common result of my experiments - regurgitation - inspired me to try just one more thing - pumpkin oatmeal.

“I was able to swallow it,” said my next test subject. “And I think I’m going to be able to keep it down.”

In other words, “Success!”

I’m already envisioning the pumpkin oatmeal eating contest, with faces wallowing in large bowls of the stuff, at the 2010 Pumpkin Festival, but I don’t want to get ahead of myself. I want the recipe to be just right.

I’m currently hallowing out a pumpkin and planning to fill the shell with oatmeal - a wonderful alternative to candy for the trick-or-treaters.

Do I need a license to do this?